Tuesday, June 28, 2011

It's Your Official Tour de France Guide to Cyclist-Speak!

Yes folks, it's time for the Tour de France again, and if you *really* wanna know what's going on in the race, the riders' own words'll say it. Trouble is, they're crap. Ergo, Yer Official Guide to What Those Guys Are Really Sayin':

1."The sensations are good." I *sucked* today. I mean boy, did I *suck.* !@#$, where's Michele Ferrari when you need 'im?

2. "Wah, wah, wah, Greipel/Petacchi/Garmin, wah." Cav wanted to win the stage, but didn't.

3. "I dropped my chain on the bottom of the Galibier. That's cycling." When I get back to the hotel, I'm gonna beat my mechanic half to death with it.

4. "I didn't eat enough during the stage." I didn't eat enough clenbuterol during the stage.

5. "Chapeau to ___, he really deserved the stage." What's *that* jerk on?

6. "Cadel was just amazing today." Cadel was just amazing today.

7. "I'm really happy to win my first stage in the Tour." I'm really happy my team captain took me seriously when I said I'd kill him if he didn't let me take one stage after 12 years of faithful service.

8. "This win is for my team." This win is for my team...doctor.

9. "Leopard-Trek set a hard pace." Jens Voigt kicked back with some spectators downing beer and pretzels for six hours and still pounded the whole peloton into whimpering smithereens.

10. "I spent half the day throwing up on the side of the road." I have a stomach virus.

11. "___has pulled out of the race with a stomach virus." ___ has tested positive for dope.

12. "I think I hit a piece of road furniture." So *that's* the sound Pat "Dick" McQuaid makes when you run over 'im!

13. "I don't have a problem with the no-needle policy." I take *my* !@#$ by mouth.

14. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, c'est soir?" Hey, you think Tommeke'll pose naked getting a massage again?

15. "I'm feeling okay today. We'll see how it goes." I am going to spit Andy Schleck out on the climb of Mt. Ventoux today like a gangly six-foot lougie.

16. Stuey O'Grady: "it's just a little road rash." I broke both arms, a femur, and sixteen vertebrae this morning. A little nap'll fix it.

17. David Millar: "The conditions were unbelievably hazardous out there today! It's an outrage how the race organizers don't give a !@#$ about the riders!" It's just a little road rash.

18. Ivan Basso: "I'm finding my rhythm." What I need to find is how the !@#$ to keep up with the dopers these days.

19. "I got a little boxed in during the sprint." Damn, I could barely hang on to Euskaltel at the back of the peloton.

20. "The cross-wind was incredible." I missed the move.

21. "The fans are so encouraging." Next !@#$in' nutbag who tosses water in my face is gonna get my fist tossed into his.

22. Samuel Sanchez: "My team did an excellent job today. It's such an honor to work with them." My team did an excellent job today. It's such an honor to work with them.

23. "I'm so proud to be on the podium. Again." I can't believe that backstabbing little !@#$ beat me. Again.

Well, dear readers, now you're set to really call the race. And don't forget to shout, Allez, Allez!


Rosemary said...

That pretty much sums it up. You have such a way with words!

superfred said...

8-11 in particular... outstanding work.