Tuesday, June 07, 2011

It's the Road to the Tour, Baby!

Watch Out, Baby Schleck: yep, for a guy just at the Dauphine for "training" along with most of the other Tour de France big guns, Cadel Evans is sure lookin' good out there as he pulls highly respectable results in the prologue time trial and sincewise, and if *I* were a guy like Andy Schleck who blows at the time trial, however brief this one was, I'd be feeling a miiiiiite twitchy about my prospects for July right now. Y'know, about the the only thing Cadel could do to make me like him *more* lately would be to threaten to bludgeon another journalist who got too close to his dog. Woo-hoo Cadel!

Readin', Ridin', and 'Rithmetic: and, it's apparently autobiography season in the peloton, as dandy pinup Ivan Basso's got a fine new tome out, "Climbing Against the Wind"--both, according to Basso, a metaphor for cycling and life--and even if you *don't* read Italian, or simply can't bear to read again that ghastly bull!@#$ that he only "tried" to dope in 2006, I believe it's entirely worth it for the pictures, including a full-color, three-part centerfold of Ivan reclining on a bear-skin rug clad only in his skivv--wait, am I reading this review right? Anyhoo, endlessly tiresome whinemeister St. David Millar also's got a brand new book, which, while the title escapes me--primarily because he's so unbearable I can't stand to look too close--apparently contains the shockingly un-introspective but distinctly displeased revelation that former Saunier Duval weasel-teammate Riccardo Ricco was particularly adept with a syringe. (Contador, apparently, gets a walk.) All right, all right, you're freakin' reformed, the sport's still a hideous cesspool, everyone else except you is still a dope-snorting dirtbag--has it *ever* occurred to you in the midst of your righteous wailing that, once in a while, when talented as you are even you lose a race, the guy who beat you might actually be clean? Next on stands: Robbie "Head-Butt" McEwen's life story. Buy it or he'll !#@$in' jam his fist down yer throat, you !@#$in' !@#$er!

It's the Official Racejunkie Let's Save Team RadioSkank Petition Drive!: okay guys, it's becoming increasingly obvious that, thanks to the "FactsF-OverLance" Armstrong doping scandal, Team RadioShack's continued sponsorship is in doubt, and, as I *do* feel kindly inclined to some of these guys, I hereby launch the Official Racejunkie Let's Save Team RadioSkank Petition Drive! My plan: we got a perfect (and race-winning!) shill in the great, admitted junk-food addict Chris "Supersize Me" Horner, we need something wholesome to draw in Americans to the sport, so we're targeting McDonald's, baby! !@#$, if a lunch-time-musette Big Mac, Filet-o'Fish, Quarter Pounder, french fries, icy Coke, thick shake, sundae, and apple pie ain't gonna float you up that mountain like you got wings, what exactly *do* you think can do it, clenbuterol? Suckers!
Oh, come on--let's do it!

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