You *Suck*, Amgen EPO Tour of California!

Not Again!: yep, beloved ex-frat-boy-in-spandex Tom Boonen's knee injury's delaying his late-season return *again*, and for my money, this, combined with all the season-screwing injuries at the stupid race that took out the riders, proves the massively horrible monstrousness of rescheduling the Tour of California during the perfect Giro d'Italia which Tommeke and everyone else would've been riding instead. Wah, wah, rain in February, wah--at least *then* half the peloton's entire *years* weren't wrecked for nothin'! Tom, all best wishes for a speedy, pain-free, and successful return--not least because even with your prolific film palmares, I fear I'm starting to run short on soft-core interim entertainment to tide over your fans, so if you're not gonna make blue movies a formal career, you better get back to sprinting post-haste!

The Eye of the Tiger: okay, I only made a cutting-edge "Rocky" reference to a tiger because I couldn't think of anything involving irksome returning cheat-weenie Riccardo Ricco's nickname "the Cobra," but in any case, seems like UCI's doing *exactly* what this sport needs to clean it up: no, not "actually catching dopers," you endearingly off-base naifs, they're keeping Ricco' from riding the GP Plouay tomorrow because of paperwork problems with processing his new Vacansoleil contract! Whew, I don't know about you, but *I* have just had all my worries about the integrity of cycling, the potentially devastating harm of tempting yet untested performance-enhancing drugs on rider health, and the general nobility of fair play with equally gentlemanly competitors evaporate into the air like sparkling dew kissing the sunrise. *Thanks*, UCI!

Gratuitous We Love Jens Video o' the Week: no, there's no particularly newsworthy reason for this whatsoever--but Jens is a god, so what's your !@#damn problem, punk?!

Check Out the New Luxembourg Squad's Bikes!: finally, speaking of Jens, and not to destroy the Tour de France dreams of Frank and Andy Schleck's new gig, but here's an entirely unauthorized sneak peek at their time trial bikes for 2011. Watch out, Cancellara--and you other ProTour rivals can thank me for the tip-off later!