Huuuuuuuuu Are You?/Hu Hu, Hu Hu/I Really Wanna Know!

Bow Your Heads: First, I'd like us all to pause for a moment of silence for poor Mark Cavendish, who, a bit too delicate of constitution for the heat, was forced to barf his way through the stage and *still* managed to come up second, albeit not against anyone he'd have expected as a threat, as everyone else with clearly *no* excuse nonetheless trudged in behind. Splendid, I'm sure you all felt the same reverence just now as I did. Second, holy moly Hutarovich--we can reasonably debate whether the boy is or truly can be a longer-term world-class sprinter, but clearly this stealthy little killer's got brains, so if from now on Cav & co get too comfortable again, watch out: And Thor, I don't care how full yer head is over some stupid thing like 'preserving your livelihood, 'signing a new contract with Garmin' and 'aw, crap, I'm Tyler's doormat next year!'--32nd? *Focus*!

Stop Eating Euskaltel-Euskadi Alive, Dammit!: all right, you carrion-sucking Pro Tour vultures, we all know the Basques (and the squad's occasional Spaniard) climb like winged gods and you should all kneel before them (drop, peons!), but once and for all, can you quit dangling shiny trinkets in front of 'em like some loveless loser traveling salesman trying to buy up a desperate crack ho? Worse than just jackin a bitchin' team, Euskaltel's own star talent inevitably gets doomed instead to craptastic perpetual Grand Tour sub-domestique beeyotchhood. First Zubeldia, now it's Benat Intxausti--right on Samuel Sanchez for sticking with the lords in orange!

The Fall of the Roman Empire : meantime, if Bjarne Riis thinks Fabian Cancellara's stuck with him and Contador next season, he should think again: Fabian's been in contact with several other squads, and he's just waiting for a sweet little chat with his team boss. Geez, Sastre, Basso, the Schlecks--nice work pissing off every rider who's ever worked for you, Bjarne--damn, maybe baby Schleck is right when he suggests you and Alberto are gonna slug it out like cagefighters next year! On the other hand, you *did* cop to taking drugs at *your* Tour de France--might be entertaining to set you up against wee unenhanced Alberto on pay-per-view!

When Life Gives You Clemens, Make Lemonade: now, I don't ordinarily care about stupidity in other sports--largely because there's *so* much to admire in this one--but here's a cautionary tale for those-who-shall-remain-nameless who shamelessly lied to the feds in the course of their doping investigations: yes, baseball hulk Roger "I'm sure my neck's this huge just from eatin' Wheaties" Clemens plead not guilty to perjury charges. Um, not to cast aspersions on anyone who might have the resources to successfully sue me, but am I the only one thinkin' there's a good half-dozen riders whose noses oughta be about 10 feet longer than they look right now? Ow, something poked me!

A Kind Request for Universal Sports: for !@#$'s sake, you're doing it *again*--for those of us who have to pony up for streaming coverage (an opportunity for which I am extremely grateful btw) because we can't get your cable channel in our area and unfortunately have too much integrity to suck up all our employer's time and superior bandwidth during the day, and therefore avoid all daytime news sources til we get home at night, can you please NOT flash the !@#damn stage result RIGHT on the screen we have to use to LOG IN?! Otherwise, what the !@#$ is the point of paying up *and* being in the dark for 9 hours for this !@#$? Many thanks, love, racejunkie. Now fix it!