Take That, Contador! Lance's Last Revenge

Last Stage Summary:

1. Lance is a complete--I mean high-school alpha-girl complete--bitch. Am I the only one thinking that after the whiny French bean-counting weenies pulled RadioSkank off to the side of the road at fifteen different locations to pull on new jerseys and painstakingly pin their numbers back on there is no !@#damn *way* Lance didn't pull that whole stunt just to pull the focus away from Alberto Contador on his glory day in yellow? Um, hello?...somebody?...I'm over here...at the front...in the maillot jaune...you know, the one that shows that unlike Armstrong I *didn't* finish the race at the ass-end of nowhere...you've maybe heard of it, the Tour?...it's a big race in France...it's considered pretty neato if you win it...come on, *someone's* gotta say *something* over the sound of crickets chirping...

2. Okay, it *was* hilarious. Anyone else notice that while Popovych was there crouched on the ground like an illegal-sweatshop indentured servant measuring the distance between safety pins himself, Lord Lance had an obscenely huge pack of lackeys pinning his numbers on? You still bit this whole Tour, though, Lance!

3. Don't even *try* to tell me the French weren't *aching* to pull Armstrong out of the race. Unfortunately, it still wouldn't've changed the fact they haven't won their own Tour for 25 years now. D'oh!

4. Samuel Sanchez got *screwed*! Of course Menchov obliterated him fair and square in the time trial--sez who *I* have to be fair about it? I've still got it in for the Vuelta-stealing little commie and Samu got jacked by a bad crash anyway. After the whole Contador-Schleck hoo-ha, why the hell wasn't everyone screaming 'cheap shot' at Menchov? Next year, Samu, next year--the course will change, and the podium will be yours!

5. Speaking of which, I do think we love Carlos Sastre is right. The Tour's no !@#$ing Miss Manners tea party--put down the crumpets clotted cream and dainty floral bone-china cups, and *race* already you guys!

6. Except when it comes to Sanchez' crash, of course.

7. Petacchi in green on his way into Paris just blows. I mean, I love when creaky old once-wases suddenly bloom into a startling renaissance out of nowhere, but ain't that what happened to Davide Rebellin a couple years back? Not that I'm suggesting that Ale-Jet's current doping investigation ain't just a coincidence or nothin'!

8. The French really didn't suck this year--Casar, Chavanel, Pineau and natch surprise polka-dot jersey Chartreu. And seeing one of 'em in an actual king of the mountains outfit in Paris is like seeing Vinokourov walking around without an IV hanging off his butt--just plain unnatural. Vive la France!

9. Schleck's chain came off *again*? Not to besmirch the character of the amiable Andy, but if *I* were Schleckino's mechanic, I'd be remembering that you *are* still in the country that invented the guillotine--hope you have your passport handy, honey!

10. Finally, congrats to Contador--but if you don't watch out for your own ego, boy, you're gonna throw this whole show down the toilet. When Lance started loving his own reflection more than the bike itself, and succumbed to the cult-of-personality celebrity-slurping media-whore reality-show circus that became his life, it was game over for his legacy--before you get back on that podium with Cameron Diaz next year, and let your form go to hell while others take advantage of your foolishness, *think*!

Anyhoo, Tour fans, it's been an interesting one. Next up--the prestigious 2010 Racejunkie Tour de France Awards!