Monday, July 05, 2010

Blood, Guts, and Sportsmanship; And, An Update

Breaking News (And Bones): yes, after today's carnage, the sprint quality at this year's Tour has just taken a massive blow, as Tyler Farrar, who was inevitably gonna kick Mark Cavendish's uncoordinated crap-sport rump in several sprints, has just announced he's out of the Tour with a fractured elbow. Natch, I'm exceedingly glad Robbie McEwen seems to be okay despite the disgusting hole in his own elbow, and that Oscar and Thor and even Cav came out fairly unscathed, but this ain't no way for Thor to don the final green jersey in Paris--get well soon Tyler, perhaps you can whomp the field in the (pretty much only sprint in the) Vuelta instead!

Thor Hushovd Was *Screwed*!: first, before I get a bunch of crap from you whiny bleeding hearts about such trivialities as honor, integrity, fair play, and justice, I do think the peloton was quite right--and lovely sports--to slow down to let Schlecks & co. bridge the gap back up to the remnants of the main field after the carnage on the descent of the Stockeau--though it's not like they also waited for, say, Van de Velde, but then, he was about 5 hours back. No doubt, winning the Tour on someone else's misfortune is a sorry--and if said misfortune is deliberately taken advantage of, absolutely punk-!@#--way to win the race. But besides being in a general snit over the race course, why the hell couldn't Thor and whatever other sprinter was left in one piece be let off the leash a few hundred meters out to contest the sprint and grab some green jersey points? I'm serious, the GC contenders were appropriately brought back into the fold, so what's the harm? Free Thor Hushovd!

The Controversy: so what else is all the fuss about from today's stage, dear newbies in particular? After all, crashes are normal--in fact, the Tour has been the site of some truly cringe-inducing disasters, from violent leg-snaps on soft hot tar (oh Joseba! we still miss you!) to terrifying pitches into deep crevasses to twenty-rider pileups that look like a game of Twister gone horribly and bloodily wrong. But some of the boys--ace diplomat Chris Horner among them--are calling bull!@#$ today on having anything in the Tour take place in hard-man haven Belgium for the mere entertainment of the sadistic fans, much less a stage cramming 180 boys into the treacherous narrow descent on the Stockeau, which, if recent news is accurate, was made a complete Death Valley by an oil-spill caused by an out-of-control race moto desperately trying not to run down the poor scrawny sap who already hit the deck in front of 'im. A whole 'nother school of thought, however, holds that if you open the door on this one and just nullify all the time gaps, to be fair you are also going to have to do the exact same thing tomorrow when the wraith-like GC contenders all bash their helpless bodies and pulverize their bones into the cobbles, in which case, what the hell is the point of having a bike race in the first place? Me, I think that between the dimwits who keep letting their dopus Golden Retrievers meander into the course to try to kill the riders, the 24/7 suckmeister weather in Belgium, and tomorrow's inevitable gore-fest, we'll be lucky if there's anyone left alive after Tuesday's stage at all. Chavanel, forget this "I'll hold on to it for the next few days at least" pessimism--you may end up with the yellow jersey in Paris by simple attrition!

Wonder Woman: last but not least, over in the land of cyclists who can stay upright for 5 consecutive minutes, Ina-Yoko Teutenberg has cemented her historic status as Rider Most Likely To Crush You Like The Cockroach You Are Without Even Mussing Her Hairdo by taking a *fourth* freakin' consecutive stage at the Giro Donne, which leaves the climbers in the bunch approximately 5 minutes left in the race to stake claims of their own before speedmaster Ina finds a way to shame 'em again on the final podium. Mark Cavendish, you arrogant child, look and *learn*!

A Walking Wounded Update: phew, turns out that all Tyler did was *sprain* his elbow and fracture a *wrist*. Great, if only he didn't have to ride his bike tomorrow!


Tom said...

Cav isn't worthing of washing Ina's race shorts.

If the whole damned stage can be wiped out because some whiny azz Big who gets an owwie cries loud enough, is it still worth getting up two hours early to watch some of the video stream before I go to work?

Anonymous said...

Thor is a whiny, selfish BABY! 'Whah-whah-whah, poor me, I coulda got me some points. Who cares about anybody else!'. Too freakin bad, crybaby!

You know a deal was done that guaranteed Thor the win TODAY if he kept up with Spartacus so he better shut the hell up. As for the hissfits & whining, he pulled the same shit last year, whining about Cav. I've totally lost respect for that whiner & hope ANYBODY other than him is wearingg the Green jersey in Paris.