Friday, July 02, 2010

My Fantasy Lance Armstrong Team RadioShack Pre-Tour Pep Talk

Lance Armstrong: Good morning. I SAID GOOD MORNING, DAMMIT LEVI IF YOU CLINK THAT SPOON IN YOUR COFFEE CUP ONE MORE TIME WHILE I'M TALKING I'M GONNA JAM IT IN YOUR !@#$ING EYEBALL! First, I'd like to--(swigs drink, spits out onto first row of teammates)--GODDAMMIT POPO, I TOLD YOU I WANTED THE LEMON-LIME GATORADE, WHAT IS THIS ORANGE !@#$?! (wings full bottle at Popovych's head) Get out of my sight, you worm!

Anyway, first I'd like to say what an honor it is to work "with" every single one of you. Now, just because Dirk Demol said you were all picked because you're completely whipped doesn't mean he didn't call you 'pure slaves' in a complimentary way. Klodi--I've never seen my shorts and baselayers look so white. Horner, it was ultra-cool of you to stop slagging me in the press every day once I hired you just because you like me so much. How's that new Ferrari runnin' by the way? Paulinho, I really--damn, I dropped a crumb from my bagel on the floor. Lick it up, you dog! (he does) Hey Leipheimer, drop and give me twenty! (Levi complies) Ha, that was funny!

Okay, let's talk rivals. Contador, as you know, is !@#$ed with that half-!@#ed team and that erratic freak Vinokourov at the helm. Evans and Menchov? Uh-huuuuuuuh. Now, Andy Schleck, *he* scares me. Muravyev, you bushwhack that older brother he clings to in the mountains like a frightened baby monkey and he's already halfway to toast! If that doesn't work, Johan Bruyneel will immediately put Operation Total Lying Bulls!@#-I mean, Operation He Never Even Came Back To Win It Again In The First Place into effect. Anyone caught not following said protocol and covering my !@# will be immediately be taken out back of the team bus and executed. Capische?

Now, let's discuss doping. As you can see, Bernard Hinault here has not only won the Tour de France 5 times, but even more importantly, he's gonna be in charge of security. Naturally, after tackling interlopers off the podium the last two years, he's the perfect choice, if that betraying sack of crap Floyd Landis or even worse that crybaby whiner Greg Lemond tries to heckle me at a press conference, to cause them truly bloody and spine-mangling bodily harm. Thanks, Bernard!

Now pay attention you guys, this is crucial--Brajkovic here rode so well at the Dauphine that he gets to manage all my gratuitous celebrity suckups. While the full 21-day schedule is in your folders, and you *are* expected to memorize it, I'd just like to highlight that I've still got a restraining order against Ben Stiller for touching my bike last year, but Lady Gaga, Ben Affleck, and the cast of "Twilight" are in, plus, as a special surprise, Mel Gibson will be joining us for the stage to Ventoux with Bernard here ready to punch his teeth out if he starts to slip into one of his weird anti-Semitic rants. Jani, keep 'im off the booze, alright!

Finally, lest any of you forget how much I respect and value my bitc--I mean, domestiques--I remind you that it only took George Hincapie 7 straight years of completely sacrificing his incredible talent to my own ambition for me to reward him by letting him off the leash for a single stage win of which he was perfectly capable on multiple occasions that didn't inconvenience me personally in any way whatsoever. Therefore, in keeping with my incredible selflessness and generosity, I hereby promise Klodi, Levi and Horner that you, too, will be exactly so rewarded, which means, unfortunately, that since this is my last Tour de France, and none of you have put your seven consecutive years in, you're all completely !@#$ed. Thanks for all your hard work, you saps--now, on to the Tour!


James said...

You really enjoy this don't you! I know I do!!! Have you read Bill Strickland's new book "Tour de Lance"? You might get a kick out of it too!!! Keep up the good work...

Nounouche said...

Now THIS is why I follow your blog! Kudos! Looking forward to a great Tour - but not looking forward to that media whore getting all of the attention!

Tom said...

I don't understand why you didn't so much as mention the whippings and beatings. What happened to journalistic integrity?