Adventures in Doping Excuses

And Atmospherics, Too!: Yes, doping's evil, no, I don't support it. And, I don't normally worry about weather conditions, unless to enjoy a miserable freezing sleeting Classic from the comfort of my couch and a nice hot toddy. But one can't help but notice--if one's morals lean towards the, well, flexible--the fantastic opportunity this giant Icelandic volcanic ash cloud presents to the peloton this weekend, particularly that freakishly high percentage of superstars who are surprisingly afflicted with life- and career-threatening asthma only within 1 kilometer of the finish line. I mean, if pure mountain air or a flat stretch of bucolic meadow is damn near gonna kill ya--and, coincidentally, require the immediate ingestion of a huge amount of oxygen-flow-improving asthma meds--imagine how much of that !@#$ you boys can justify taking *this* weekend when you're breathing in ginormous amounts of the exact same crap that smothered the entire city of Pompeii! Better, this sounds a hell of a lot more plausible than even the beautiful Bjorn Leukemans "Love Machine" defense a few years back. Opportunity knocks, skeezeballs--just don't say I told ya so!

Il Grande Giro is Right, Baby!: yes, after months of exhortation, and a bit of a sidetrack into developing scandal, our glittery fairy-princesses at Lampre have finally signed we love peerless peloton smack-talker/2-time Giro king/general avenger of injustice Gilberto Simoni to ride the Giro d' Italia one last time. Now, for *my* money what's interesting is whether a still-young, clean (and no, pretty-pretty as Ivan is, and despite the enormity of my lingering geek-crush on his crack legal team, I'm not *entirely* sold on that "attempted doping" bull!@#$) Basso can continue to pound, in the high passes at least, a damn-old Simoni. Sorry Ivan, but just out of nostalgia that Gibo grievously impugned your manhood then had to hastily retract allegations that you tried to bribe him off a stage win at your last big match-up, I've got to go with Simoni on this one. Next up: the Giro del Trentino, where he'll open a can of whup-!@# on such perpetual inferiors as Riccardo "Wuss-Baby" Ricco', (excellent Classics rider, who to be even fairer is still coming off a stomach ailment) Damiano Cunego, and even endlessly diverting wingnut Vinokorouv. Forza Gibooooooooooooooooooooo!

Goldmember: finally, as we look for baby Schleck to make the peloton shriek in pain at Amstel Gold this weekend with the aid of big bro/new dad Frank, let's first note that Euskaltel made Alberto Contador cry like a two-year-old at Vuelta a Castilla y Leon today, and then let's take a look at the Amstel course profile: Allez allez Andy!