Monday, April 19, 2010

Alberto Contador Is Scr*wed! (Again)

Bad Move, Vinokorouv!: okay, so the Gibo (Giro, whatever) di Trentino is off, and who wins the introductory time trial with enough seconds left over to stop at Lago di Garda to admire the view, take a drink, have a nice snack, and take a photograph for a couple of tourists? That's right, exquisitely amoral erratic wingnut Alexander "I Heart Syringes" Vinokorouv. Now, I'm not suggesting there's anything *wrong* with this exactly--it is indeed a very, very, very fine result--but what I am saying is, what the !@#$ are you thinking, Vino?!?! Do you *want* Astana to get its !@# kicked out of the Tour? Do you *want* Contador's domestiques to be pincushioned into springing a thousand leaks from the unannounced 2 am doping controls every night for the next 10 weeks? Do you *want* those raging crybaby impotents at UCI turning their wrath on you and your squad because they're still pissed off they can't get Valverde? Well, *you're* the one who took advantage of Contador's less brainiac tendencies to keep him in his damn contract at steroid-stuffed brass-knuckled-goon gunpoint, so don't !@#damn go and !@#$ it up! Sigh. Tomorrow, Alexander, I think you are coming down with a severe case of stomach flu and laying low until the artificial rocket up your !@$ burns itself ou--I mean, until you have fully recovered from your unfortunate and unexpected ailment. Idiot!

Union of the Snake: elsewhere on the Trentino roster, of course, in addition to Gilberto Simoni (bow, beeyotch!), angel-winged press-flirt Ivan Basso and Franco "Why Does Everyone Keep Fawning Over Ivan When I'm King of the Mountains at the Tour?" Pellizotti, is Riccardo "Head for the Hills!" Ricco', replete with a spiffy new cobra-head bike and, of course, distinctly annoyed that for some utterly unfathomable reason he screwed his whole team out of an invite to the Tour de France, which he's ridden so miraculously well in the past. I gotta say, if I were him, I'd call bull!@#$ on this one as well. I mean, have you seen who *else* gets to ride the freakin' Tour this year?

The Chicken Comes Home to Roost: meanwhile, in a nod to a dear and highly respected reader who specifically requested that I *not* post a sleazy Danilo DiLuca-esque portrait of Tour de France winner Michael Rasmussen, I therefore post a quite un-Cosmo pic of our beloved Chicken, now out of competition due to "mono" and who, as he looks towards the faraway Vuelta for results, in *my* humble opinion ought to stop whatever the hell he's been (allegedly!) taking in his IV drip and start mainlining McDonald's Happy Meals instead. Never let it be said that we here at racejunkie don't respond to your concerns!

Sins of the Fleche: finally, it's off the remainder of the Ardennes Classics, baby, as Contador gets to ride possibly his last race of the season thanks to his dimwit boss, Cadel pegs Amstel Gold champ Philippe Gilbert for the win, and the Schlecks, Cunego and Valverde look for vengeance after a crash-bonk-and-ash-cloud-marred start to the week. The profile: ouch, especially over the Mur de Huy. All right, I get they're saving themselves for Liege, but allez allez Schlecks--after your crap start to the season, you need some confidence ahead of July!

1 comment:

Fonk said...

I think that's the most disturbing picture of the Chicken I've ever seen, and I've seen a few. That gives new meaning to the term, "farmer tan"!