Saturday, January 02, 2010

April Fools! (I Mean, It's Gotta Be, Right?)

Am I on an absolutely hallucinatory paranoiac incoherent mumbling meth-binge here, or is Lance "On Your Knees, Beeyotch!" Armstrong actually now shrieking at Alberto Contador for (1) having an ego (2) being surrounded by yes-men (3) having limited success and (4) expecting his domestiques to work for him? Now, I'm not gonna be a total blind apologist for the uppity dimwitted little noodge--he *was* an ass to darling Levi and Klodi not so many seasons ago, which no I haven't forgotten--but let's review, shall we, Captain Total Oblivious Denial? Based solely on your own voluntary appearances in the press--not in your personal life, of which I certainly know nothing and in which you may well be an utterly self-effacing doormat (I'm sure)--(1) you seem to have, like Contador, a healthy (and justified) sense of self-worth; (2) you've got a rump-rubbing Hollywood entourage that alone could fill a Vicarious-Glory Celebrity-Sucking Hall of Obsequious Fame ostentatiously playing on your neato carbon bikes and mugging for the paparazzi like some cheap tawdry reality-slut Kardashian at the start line of the Tour de France for !##$'s sake; (3) you're unquestionably the greatest Tour de France rider in history and one of the great cyclists of all time but, unlike Contador, Merckx, and a few other champions you're perfectly familiar with, you haven't won or indeed even seriously raced any other Grand Tour, plus Alberto's only 26 years old so there's an actual limit as to what he's had time to accomplish, so that "let's see where he is in 15 years" is BS as he'd still have (unlike you) won all three Grand Tours if he started to suck tomorrow so don't be a petty belittling jerkface about it; and (4) it took you freakin' 7 years to even allow the incredible uberloyal Hincapie to take a single stage win as thanks for completely sacrificing his entire career to your own, which frankly even that psycho doping pig Vinokourov routinely did for his laundress before taking a win for himself so who are you to suddenly wah-wah over how oppressed they are? Yes, it's awfully nice that you're gonna 'domestique' for Levi between photo ops at the Tour of California--how about giving him a day off the leash at a ride *you're* interested in?

Not that I'm suggesting you invest in a pocket mirror or nothin'. I'm just sayin'.


Anonymous said...

And say it, you did. Hope Lance reads this blog,and maybe, just maybe ---oh well, I can hope, can't I?

Magnus said...

You speak my mind racejunkie, you speak my mind.