All In the (Cheat-Wanker) Family; And, An Update

Buona CERA: yes, as you've likely heard, Vania Rossi, Italian cyclocross bad-girl and Tour weasel Riccardo Ricco's partner and mom of their munchkin, has tested positive for CERA, and aside from the fact that Ricco' can call his comeback over since clearly somebody's still got a massive stash in his nightstand, the denials are already flying thick 'n' fast and watch out, narcs, 'cuz she's pulling the Mom card: Vania sez no way it's true, because she's breastfeeding. My, starting Junior young, aren't we?--look for this child of paragons to be lighting up the Giro in 2035!

We'll Always Have Paris (-Roubaix): so just as I was eagerly awaiting a largely Lanceless Classics season--which'd've given at least a brief, blessed respite from the gory bloodthirsty piranha-frenzy that is the rump-kissing unbearable laudatory press coverage of the One over here stateside before the inevitably-vomitorious Tour de France adulation kicks in--comes the irksome news that I'll be forced to watch the same retina-scalding orgy in just about every Classic this season, including, dammit, Milano-San Remo. Aw, heck--even the babelicious Tom Boonen could pose in another butt-baring porno-gladiator costume every day and we *still* wouldn't get coverage of any other rider--why don't we just skip the freakin' races no-one in the US is even gonna get to see and just get straight to the 24/7 Armstrongathon and maybe the 2-second money shots of spraying champagne and podium babes? Oh, well, maybe if I move to Italy I'll get to see some actual racing on TV....

A Plea For Team RadioShack (Yeah, You Heard Me): all right, no one else is gonna do it--hell, it sickens even *me* to do it--so here goes: quit !@#$ing over RadioSkank and reschedule the Tour of California the hell away from the Giro! No, I don't give a festering gangrenous saddlesore about Lance--it's his serf-peasant dirt-farmer domestiques I'm talkin' about here! Don't you nimrods realize that, self-negating as some of them inexplicably are, Grand Tour podium finishers like Levi and Klodi still deserve their own, truly supported shots at 3-week glory, and the Giro d'Italia's their only hope? These boys are gonna be exhausted wraith basketcases by the Vuelta after that guy's done suckin' off 'em all July, so for heck's sake let's try to reward 'em with *something*--aaaaiiiiggghhhhh!

And You Thought Boonen on a Bender Was Bad: finally, in cyclist crime news, I see a fearless if dim-witted rider was busted riding with an innovative weapon consisting of a butcher-knife apparently duct-taped to a pool-cue, which, one surmises, comes in awfully handy when you're trying to keep the peloton's greedy filthy mitts off your crack pipe. Damn, is Valverde getting paranoid about the results of his CAS appeal, or what?

And, The Prize For Total Stronzo of the Year Goes To: yep, you guessed it--in an unprecedented early win for the 2010 Racejunkie Awards, the coveted !@#hole of the Year Award goes to Riccardo Ricco', who's not only, as we already knew, a complete tool, but also a coward, a pansy, a fool, a narcissist, *and* a pig , namely for absolutely dissociating himself from the mother of his child in her time of need (after she backed his sorry scrawny little !@#, no less), praising himself of all drug-sucking little freaks for being "honest" for crawling out from behind his mama's skirts and admitting the obvious only under severe duress, hiding away in training like a wuss-baby to emphasize his geographical distance from the guilty hag, and affirming that of course this would never have happened under his watch anyway because he doesn't like his wife cycling because everyone knows women shouldn't bike because it's ouchy. Unlike childbirth, you cretin--but then, you couldn't ride without assistance either, right? Congratulations Ricco', you weakling weasel--only you could beat Raimondo Rumsas' letting his wife go to prison rather than admit the EPO, steroids, and growth hormone she was carrying for him in her car trunk belonged to him and not his "mother-in-law"!