Dave Zabriskie Kicks !@#!

Quote o' The Week: all right, we already know Dave Zabriskie rocks for snagging stages in all 3 Grand Tours and making an eponymous chamois cream that, I've heard tell from reliable sources, works medical wonders on a gentleman's sensitive areas. But what *really* makes Dave Z kick !@#, at least this week, is a smashing interview on team leadership in which he opines of his methods with underlings, "I'm not going to tell them what to do in the fashion of an asshole." Now, I *know* the boy is reputed to be entirely too nice to do this, and perhaps I'm just a raging soulless sleazemeister (shut up!), but please, *please*, let this be a slag at who I think it is! Or at least the second little fascist I can think of. Either way, underhanded, discreet, perfect. You go, Dave!

The Sting: speaking of Armstrong, I see the oddsmakers are already taking massive bets for the Tour de France, as Quick Step Guru Patrick Lefevere, in addition to slagging Cav for being a classless ape, joins Bjarne Riis in proclaiming that, barring mishap to Alberto Contador, there's no way that dessicated mummy can, even with the absolute boot-on-the-neck subservience of his all-star slave squad, take the child out at the Tour. Y'know, I gotta confess, even *I'm* not all that sold on that yet--let's face it, even with that revenge-driven psycho Vinokorouv to set the pace, split the pack, and humiliate the ASO, and the dog-loyal hard work of good-sport Oscar Pereiro, Team Astana this year is still no RadioSkank, and it's not like, given the raw materials the boy's brain has to work with, it's gonna take a lot of mind (Lance) over matter (Contador) to make the dif. Of course, tho' I'll personally be rooting for baby Schleck and Samu' Sanchez to stomp 'em both, I'll be more than happy when my fears are proven unfounded, so allez allez Alberto--it's the only thing that'll make watching the 24/7 Tour de Lance coverage half-bearable!

Jeez Louise, Boonen, Didn't We Cover This in Your Image Rehabilitation Project?: okay, maybe not expressly, but ya shoulda known, ya big doofus, that while Mark Cavendish may *be* a wanker--tho' I admit to being just a little bit besotted with him of late ever since he called Riccardo Ricco a "parasite"--it does *not* help your sorely-needed newly-restored sainthood to call him *out* for being a wanker. !@#$, Tommeke, would he have more "character" you can respect if he jammed a rolled-up dollar bill and a bucket of blow up his nose? I *know* you're pissed it's tough to take him head to head in a flat Grand Tour sprint, but he'll never be half the Classics man *or* half the rakish lovable charmer that you are--you're Belgian anyway, dopus, besides your omnipresent swooning entourage of panty-tossing arm-candy wannabes, what the hell more could you possibly want than eternal pave' god-status? Oh, and if you *or* your boss Lefevere think you're gonna beat out Thor Hushovd for the green jersey come July, keep dreamin', punk--did you even *watch* him at the Tour last year when you were coming off your two-year bender?

And We're Off!: lastly, as Liquigas and a rejuvenated Benna-jet get ready to take on the rest of the speedsters in Qatar, my thoughts turn to something totally irrelevant: what the !@#$ is going on with Lampre and we love Gilberto Simoni? Sign him, already, you twisted freaks, if for no other reason than to give the press something else to yap about in May besides Ivan Basso--you *really* think you're gonna get better sound-bites outta Cunego?