Sunday, January 24, 2010

He's Baaaaaa-aaaack; and, Lessons From the Tour Down Under

Wastin' Away Again In Margaritaville: look, you either love him because he was cruelly framed and wrongfully nailed in a disgusting farce of a lab-chimp monkey trial, or you hate him for discrediting a flawless sport without so much as a tearful Valverdean confessional wah-wah (wait a minute....). But either way, he's back on the bike, and with egomaniacal overpriced-jeans poseur Michael Ball having failed to score Rock Racing even a crappy Pro Continental license, and the relentless doper-sucking hypocrites in the Euro peloton having some peculiar issue with re-hiring our own purported miscreants, Floyd Landis is back at the Tour of the Bahamas, taking the time trial while his colleagues make the big bucks and grab the major races in other climes. Ah well, at least you don't have to slog through some sucky Classics sleetstorm or endure the 3-week grind of a Grand Tour--that and your nice new tan are pretty sweet consolation prizes, no?

"It's Good To See Less of Armstrong This Year": Right on, Johan--finally, an assessment from you I can agree with! Oh. You mean "less" in terms of upper-body muscle mass, not "less" in the sense of "if I have to watch one more !@#$ing fawning irrelevant interview with Lance in a race that has nothing whatsoever to do with him my head is going to freaking explode into a lurid pile of brain-guts." Oops, my bad--wait a minute, *your* bad Bruyneel, and the dimwit noncycling press' while we're at it--can we please just get this god!@#$ circus over with already?

The Gert Locker: in other news, after ditching Katusha over some silly anti-doping rule and landing safely, of course, at RadioSkank, I see Johan "Hope You Don't Mind the Wind In Your Face" Bruyneel's issued Champs-Elysees whiz Gert Steegmans an incredibly warm welcome: we're so happy to have you, in fact, that we're entirely stiffing you out of a lead-out. I'm sure Johan's correct that they're not necessary for a *real* sprinter, Gert--I mean, no-one else uses 'em, right?

Lessons From the Tour Down Under: well, it was an exciting Tour Down Under, and while for me of course the best part was watching the fabulous Euskaltel "Holy Crap Samuel Sanchez Is the Olympic Gold Medalist!" Euskadi attack every six seconds so watch your !@# 'Skank in the Tour de France this year, for the rest of you, even more important lessons have no doubt been learned, which for my money are, in no particular order and certainly of no particular use:
1. Luis Leon Sanchez is gonna win a Grand Tour someday. Not yet, not as many as his Liberty Seguros cribmate Contador, but he will.
2. Alejandro Valverde actually makes a generous and helpful domestique. Too bad he ain't gonna be at it much longer.
3. Robbie McEwen still has it. Even if he has to maybe occasionally shove a compatriot into the barriers to do it.
4. Oh my word, I do believe Cadel "the Tick" Evans *really* *has* *changed.* Attacking? Unprovoked? Without the team car jamming a cattle prod into 'im? By George, I think he's got it--he *can't* take the Tour just by wheel-sucking!
5. Team Sky is about two days into their season and they're already making half the ProTour look completely, utterly lame. Unless some of you suckers want to be begging for a gig as their towel boys, you better start picking it up!
6. We love Jens! Sure, it's largely irrelevant, but he did sign in and all, and so long as he's not actively dealing heroin to toddlers (and possibly even if is), the man can do no wrong. Woo-hoo Jens!

Hi-Yo, Silver!: finally, courtesy of tuttobici, I bring you footage of damn near the only racer (besides Thor, of course) who has a rat's chance of beating Mark Cavendish this year: Allez allez Mr. Ed!

1 comment:

Rosemary said...

Oh my! Is it against the rules to draft off a horse?