Monday, December 28, 2009

2010: The Year In Preview (Yeah, You Heard Me)

Yes, dear readers, as 2009 recedes both nobly and ignominiously into history, and the peloton returns from the sunny beaches of their vacation palaces to their in-season routine of hard work, ascetic living, and CAS doping appeals, it's time to look ahead to what's coming in 2010, if for no other reason than at least this way we ain't all gonna be bushwhacked:

January: Time for team camps! Jens Voigt completely eaten by polar bear at Saxo Bank Artic survival exercise, sews self back together with emergency kit; Team Sky to fittings for new ascots; Contador locked in bare concrete room, kept awake for 823 consecutive hours in "Manchurian Candidate" brainwashing, sits smiling, glassy-eyed, as Vinokourov announces 26-year contract extension at Astana press conference.

February: it's the Amgen EPO Tour of Calif...what the !@#$ do you *mean* it's been moved to May? What kind of !@#$ing stupidity is *that*?; Cav accidentally rockets past border at Tour of Qatar finish line, detained in barbed-wire prison facility in Saudi Arabia.

March: it's the Classics, baby! Contador cries hysterically at sight of cobblestones on TV, soothed by lollipop and juice box; Stuey O'Grady run over by fully-loaded cargo train at crossing, wins Paris-Nice by using two remaining unbroken fingers to claw self over finish line.

April: it's the Hell o' the North, honey! George Hincapie flats record-breaking 234 times in 16 minutes, takes race when steals Tom Boonen's bike while latter distracted flexing muscles for swooning fans during brief stop caused by massive pile-up.

May: time for il grande Giro, baby! Ivan Basso and Franco Pellizotti injured in hotel-bathroom primping altercation, forced to withdraw; returning Riccardo Ricco' takes it, DQd when lab tests show 100% of blood has been replaced with next-generation doping product; back in US, Levi Leipheimer wins 56th consecutive Tour of California, fawning press-hungry race organizers award it to Lance Armstrong anyway.

June: time for pre-Tour doping controls! Spaniards, Samu' and Carlos excepted, banned from race in July; Boonen busted, suspended til B samples show actually *was* just amped up on Pixy Stix as protested; RadioSkank shows off expansive state-of- the-art medical bus to "treat the sniffles," lauded by UCI for service to clean cycling.

July: what else? Contador slips between cracks in 1st pave' stage, disappears; Bruyneel and Armstrong, too busy !@#$%-slapping him in press to notice, excoriate him for failing to domestique for Lance despite actually being team leader at entirely different squad; Cav loses green jersey on Champs-Elysees when, excitedly thumping chest in irritating premature victory celebration, knocks self off bike 2 meters before the line; Cadel second, *again*, til Andy Schleck mysteriously goes "missing" and Evans awarded maillot jaune by default.

August: time for post-Tour doping controls! UCI declares Floyd Landis positive for testosterone, estrogen, EPO, DHEA, coke, marijuana, amphetamines, downers, Ecstasy, LSD and Hershey's kisses even though he didn't race; WADA determines large amounts of CERA found in RadioSkank team bus really just Candy Everyone Really Adores.

September: oh, yeah, time for the Vuelta! Y'know, it's a big bike race. In Spain. That guys ride. For like three weeks. Really. Samuel Sanchez just won it. Y'know, a bike rider. He's with Euskaltel. A bike squad. Really. No, not RadioShack. They dress in orange, they're Basque, they're paid by their sponsor to ride togeth...

October: it's the World Championships, baby! Oscar Freire takes 4th and final Worlds despite crazed fan attack with Nerf darts; Marianne Vos takes road, 'cross, time trial, unicycle, those little trikes ridden by circus clowns, keirin and velocipede.

November: vacation time again! Alejandro Valverde to undisclosed location with crack medical squad he swears are just "good friends"; women's peloton to unregulated Chinese coal mine with no ventilators, bathroom breaks for better wages, working conditions; Klodi, Popo to local beauty school to improve manicure/pedicure skills on orders of Armstrong.

December: team rosters announced! RadioSkank buys every male cyclist on earth, Contador forced to make do with coupla kids he finds riding Huffys down the street from his house; Mark Cavendish forms own team with teeth-bleaching sponsor, whole squad sent to cosmetic dental retreat for redo, accidentally chews up entire team stock of new carbon frames when new caps take on minds of their own.

Well, folks, that's my look ahead for 2010--please, some of you, prove me wrong!


PJ said...

Thanks for the laugh. You are funny, really funny! I always look forward to your posts.

Anonymous said...

your blog is priceless, I always have a smile on my face (or coffee on the keyboard) after reading it.
Keep up the great work! :)
Happy New Year!

Mary said...

So happy to see Big George is going to (finally!) get the win!!! (Boonen has won enough; let someone else have a turn)

And, I laughed out loud at March - poor Contador!

Looking forward to Floyd's big announcement - but could so easily see your Aug forecast coming true. (Boo ASO/UCI!)

And, as always, love the Jens and Stuey reports (present or future); as my favs in the pelaton, I'm always amazed by their achievements!!!

ladyjethro said...

Hey, your future year doesn't have a happy feelgood ending with RadioSkank; that isn't nice cycling family fare. Why not end it with everyone having some Pixy Stix and then testing positive so that Landis and Rock Racing friends can really, for real, make his true for real comeback? Now that ending's so happy!

Tusher said...

Can't wait for George's Big Win!

Brilliant stuff, racejunkie- Happy New Year!

Rosemary said...

Rasmussen will be sad he didn't even get a nod...

Magnus said...

Brilliant, just brilliant. The Vuelta piece was priceless!