Monday, December 07, 2009

The 2009 Year in Review

Sure, there's actually 3 weeks left in 2009, but aside from Johan and Lance wanking about Alberto Contador *again* like The Sorest !#@$ing Losers In All of Human History, what's really gonna happen between now and then? Ha, *now* some poor bastard's cursed! Anyhoo, it's time to say a fond farewell to the champions, the unsung, and the flat-out dirtbags that made us cherish this fine sport in 2009, so, without further ado, I bring you:

January: Sprint god Erik Zabel really retires at age 86; Johan sez Lance can win the Tour, sweetly dim Contador stays with squad; Rock Racing broke, dirty, but oh-so-chic; Robbie "Head-Butt" McEwen accuses Graeme Brown of unfair sprint at Tour Down Under, chews off Daniele Bennati's ear 20 meters from line in next day's stage.

February: Tom Boonen hospitalized for sand inhalation after accidentally mistakes desert for huge pile of blow at Tour of Qatar; Dumbest Thieves Ever steal Lance's Extremely Noticeable Ride; we love Levi !@#$ed over for Tour de--um, wins Tour of California as usual; scum-sucking skank-weasels steal we love Dave Zabriskie's action figures. What next, his sippy cup?

March: Time for the Classics, baby! Contador wins stage at Paris-Nice, Johan classily slags in the press; Lance snaps collarbone, world financial markets collapse, Contador pops champagne; Thor 'n' Tom take Omloop and Kuurne. Stuff it, Cavendish!

April: Italians bust Alejandro Valverde, sure beats prosecutin' their own guys; Tyler forced to retire, again; grande dame Rebellin a total damn doping disgrace; Tom takes Roubaix; French narcs bust Lance, testing etiquette violation? Quelle horreur!

May: what else? It's the beautiful Giro, honey! Italians emasculate mountains stages for the One; Danilo rides creepily well; disgraced cheat Bernard Kohl thanks UCI for The Greatest Doping Guidelines Ev--I mean, the Biological Passport; shut up, Klodi is so too innocent!

June: Menchov wraps up Giro; Lance "Pinocchio" Armstrong sez he'll race for Contador "with pleasure" at Tour; Michael Jackson dies (shut up! is so too relevant!); Piti's out and Sniffy's in for July. Allez allez Tommeke, you scalawag!

July: how many bitchy remarks can dance on the head of a pin? Bruyneel, Armstrong excoriate Contador for winning; Klodi and Levi !@#$#ed *again*; Cadel who?; Jens crashes out, vows return; yep, the French *still* suck. Don't worry boys, there's always next year! Well, probably not next year. But maybe the next one. Um... well, 2050's not such a bad goal to set, right?

August: no post-Tour doping pozes, because the race is 100% clean; Paul Sherwen whacked upside head by flying pig; Levi seals doom with RadioSkank; Samuel Sanchez is a god. Woo-hoo Euskaltel!

September: bodies fly at Vuelta; holy crap Cadel Evans is the new world champion!; women's peloton gets podium babes at last in Vegas; we-still-love-so-go-to-hell Iban Mayo officially retires; some punk-!@# Spanish dope fiend barely beats far superior Sanchez. Just wait til next year Valverde!

October: 2010 Tour route announced; crazed-yet-wily Vinokourov stalks his pretty Spanish prey; suspicious medical waste found in Tour team garbage bags, squads protest it was all from last ye--um, their total innocence; French humiliated *again* as BBox & Cofidis are booted from the Pro Tour big time. Geez, they're the gift that keeps on giving this year, ain't they?

November: Shotgun wedding!--Vino snags his one true love, Contador professes happiness at Kazakh-goon gunpoint; nouveau cleanster Basso vows 2010 triumph; Landis coy about new, Euro-friendly home. Oh, come *on*, UCI--look who *else* you hypocrites let ride in the big show!

December: Astana jacks Pereiro; Johan nut-knees Alberto, *again*; Lance concedes past dramatics, but sez he really does hate Contador; Head-Butt dreams of Worlds; Schlecks on track for total world domination. Who doesn't love Schlecks?

Well folks, them's the big stuff as I recall it--and with the exception of whatever disgusting scandal's damn near guaranteed to whack us in the next 20-odd days of 2009, onwards to 2010!


Mary said...

Nice wrap-up of the exciting year in cycling! SO looking forward to 2010; it promises to be filled with all sorts of excitement/drama/side-show-potential!!

And, what's up with Floyd?? Where is he going next year? (Surely he did not nab Pereiro's spot on Astana...did he??) (would that be justice? dramatic irony? terrifying prospect for everyone??)

Tusher said...

And That Was The Year That Was.

just keep blogging in 2010, racejunkie!