Saturday, December 19, 2009

Yes, Peloton, There *Is* A Santa Claus (Or Whoever Schleps You Gifts This Time o' Year)

Whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice, or (and you know who they are) violent ritualistic devil-worshipping--whatever our boys'n'girls in the peloton celebrate, it's time for plenty of folks' year-end orgy of gift-giving and, even better, receiving (oh, give me a break, like you don't think so, too!), and, in the spirit of love, selflessness, and charity that informs the season, and indeed all our saintly hearts, I hereby beg Santa, la Befana, and any other loot-distributing powers-that-be on behalf all those in cycling we so adore:

Alberto Contador: let's be honest--love 'im or hate 'im, and despite his truly awesome talent, our wee little charmer ain't exactly the sharpest knife in the block. And if he's gonna survive even a season with that wily wingnut Vinokourov, not to mention certain forces outside his own squad, he's gonna need help. To paraphrase the Wizard of Oz, if he only had a brain--Santa, baby, help this boy!

Lampre: Frankly, team kits like this are why blockhead grunting American wunkheads of dubious manhood are too afraid to even consider watching this sport. And as a result, American TV coverage of our beloved cycling, to be blunt, blows. Turquoise--out! Hot pink--out! Studly unmockable red, white, and blue--in! WTF is this, a Disney princess convention?

Tom Boonen: I have noticed of late that our rakish sprint king is...easily distracted, one might say, at the clubs. Particularly by cocktails with pretty paper umbrellas, desperate and obsequious hangers-on, and white powder on pocket mirrors. And we all know what happens when he starts with *that* !@#$. Ergo, a healthy, wholesome, home party kit is in order for our potentially wayward child. Who wouldn't have just as much with pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, a pinata stuffed with candy treats, and a nice game of Pictionary to play with your pals? Fruit punch and cupcakes all 'round for Tommeke! !@#dammit you soulless enabler, put that flask back in your pocket, you think this is freakin' junior prom or something?

Andreas Kloden: now, as a lady I can only posit, but I imagine a gent can only get kicked in the !@#$% by Johan Bruyneel so much before it really, really starts to hurt. A Kevlar codpiece for our underappreciated hero--now go for a race of your own, Klodi!

Alexander Vinokourov: ah, what do you get a guy who has (and has taken) it all? No, not coal in his stocking, tho' for sure he's been more naughty than nice--give him an invite to the Tour! Heck, he can't defile it worse than half the guys already in it, right?

Jeannie Longo: she's been French national champion since most of us were in diapers. Can you *please* just lend her to the men's peloton for a coupla weeks so the French can win *something*? Of course, that's more of a present to the Tour de France organizers than to Jeannie, but even they deserve a little kindness now and then, right?

George Hincapie: 2nd once. Felled by an extraordinary freak mechanical 45k from the line another year. And now, my wish is that our fine elder statesman gets his race. Paris-Roubaix. Come on, hasn't this poor guy suffered enough?

Floyd Landis: this is completely pathetic, but he said he'd read my blog, which means either (1) he's a gentleman for lying; or (2) he's even more of a gentleman for not sucker-punching my teeth out. No matter what the hell you think happened, or didn't, in 2006, bring this boy a ProTour contract--heck, even a Pro-Continental squad with some half-decent invites'll do!

Samuel Sanchez: okay, I'll cop to it: Samu's Tour win, while still inevitable, may--may--take a wee bit longer than anticipated as Lance, Alberto, and baby Schleck slug it out next year. But that oily snake Valverde beating his !@# in Spain simply by not falling over and keeping the hell out of Italy for three weeks? Bring Samu' the Vuelta!

Ivan Basso: all right, he damn near tanked this season--he's clean. Er. So let 'im take some results at the Giro this time--why play that lying "co-captain" !@#$ with Pellizotti all season when you can just whack him into submission right in May, especially when you're just as pretty as he is?

Danilo DiLuca: y'know, it's almost enough to make you miss the sheer tact and elegance of traditional cycling omerta--not to protect especially incompetent weaselry, but there has *got* to be a middle ground nowadays between doping yourself til it pours out of the vent holes in your helmet, and showing up apres-race with the testosterone level of Hello Kitty. If you can't buy that guy a conscience, for the love of Mike, at least give that boy a better doctor!

Thor Hushovd: the green jersey, baby!--like he even *needs* help, but can't hurt to ask. I mean, anyone even seen Cav in the mountains last season?

UCI: you openly coddle sneak-skanks you favor, go for blood against any poor sucker who dares to challenge you, turn a blind eye to wholly inconvenient problems, and crow incessantly over dubious triumphs. UCI, I ask for you the gift of dignity. You need it!

Lance Armstrong: it must get awfully tiring ruling your team with an iron fist, receiving constant unquestioning adulation by the American press, watching race organizers worldwide stampede to obtain your glorious presence, and having the world slavishly agree with you as you wank unrelentingly about the only guy you've ever ridden with who's ever tried to get his own results while on your squad then oinkishly ignore him at the podium. Clearly, a much-needed gift is order--yep, the precious gift of obscurity. Oh, leave this beleaguered boy *alone* next season!

Well folks, I know there's so much more we ought to give, but given time, space, and your generous tolerance limitations, them's my big ones for this year. Merry Whatever to all--and for !@#$'s sake, riders, how about putting a little fair play in *our* loyal stockings this year?


Rosemary said...

A Kevlar codpiece...too funny!

PJ said...

You know, I think Contador is smarter in his own way, than he gets credit for. He knows how to win on and off the bike. Contracts excepted.

And, Lance who?

Love your posts.

Mary said...

I am crossing all my fingers in hopes of seeing a fat (or immoderately plump) contract for Floyd!! Come on BMC - he would be such a help dragging Cadel over the mountains! And he's surely got some good suggestions on upping Cadel's aggression and attack skills!

Hee! Since I'm still kind of in love with Vino and his aggressive riding style, I'd be happy enough to see him back in the Tour helping Contador kick ass on the way to his next win! (I feel a little guilty for loving Vino, but not guilty enough to stop!)