Thursday, July 05, 2007

Freaky Friday

Case Hosed: well, Floyd Landis' predetermined ego-driven guilty, I mean thoughtful, objective, and evidence-based, verdict is finally due tomorrow, conveniently timed to ensure that, even on the freakishly unlikely chance that Landis is exonerated due to the astonishing bungling of the reckless moronothon lab chimps, he still won't have time to find a team, train, or line up for the Tour de France--this year, or, by the time any appeals are completed, likely ever. Even if these idiots do manage to find the truth despite themselves, given their monstrous mishandling of the tests and samples in this case, can anyone feel confident we'll ever truly know what happened here? Meantime, ASO/Tour de France head Christian "Dick" Prudhomme, who's spent much of the last year openly vilifying Landis before the trial even hit the pavement, suddenly claims a keen concern for due process, opining it's just a darn shame that the fair trial he so desperately wanted has taken so long, so that justice, either way, can finally be done. Am I on total crack, you disingenuous executioner jerk? And given that Operacion Puerto broke well before this scandal, why not the same push for UCI to move on that--afraid of losing most of the peloton before our big starting day in London, are we?

Out of Riis: and, much to CSC's detriment, Bjarne Riis has decided he hasn't the "strength" to attend and help his boys at the Tour, which, while perhaps fair--thbough why Bjarne should absent himself while every other systemic-dope-supporting management scuzzbag of his generation gets to ride in the team car this year beyond me--still really sucks for CSC because, skank or no, Bjarne's tactical brilliance and value is simply unassailable. Perhaps you still might be able to hitch a ride, and carry your cellphone, in the helicopter Bjarne?

I Want My Mummy: meantime, Caisse d'Epargne is sparing no effort in keeping Alejandro "Piti Who?" Valverde tightly under wraps, shrouded from the hounding press and uncomfortable questions about some inconsequential doping thing or other that unaccountably keeps coming up. Hey, we wouldn't want to worry the next Tour de France champ--or give UCI any reason to boot his @#$ out of the Tour over some ill-considered remark by Valverde, especially since they're so studiously ignoring the Op Puerto file, would we?

Fuentes the Pure: and, I see Dr. Eufemiano Fuentes is pimping himself for university audiences, claiming he "never advised any rider to dope." Well, I'll buy that--hell, why "advise" when you just cut to the chase and just jam a needle into someone's butt directly instead?

Run Away, Run Away!: Finally, with Petacchi out, Tom Boonen unusually quiet this season, Thor Hushovd struggling with ongoing stomach viruses (viri?), we love Oscar Freire strong but as always subject to being besieged by physical ailments at any moment, Daniele Bennati still learning the ropes and Robbie McEwen the only sprinter on consistent form this season, there's bound to be some surprises at the line this year, don't you think? (I realize I utterly forgot to even include poor Tom in my earlier Tour de France preview, but I hope you'll excuse me on the grounds that I was perhaps blinded by the shining breastplate of his manly gladiator ads for his sponsor.) Well, we've got one obvious lock on the green jersey--anyone else got other picks besides "The Ego" McEwen?

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