Anonymous My @#$!

The Long Arm of the Law: so, the Swiss high court has rejected Jan Ullrich's appeal to have his bank account records hidden from the German prosecutors handling his fraud case; in fact, they ought to get 'em this week. you better have had a better coding system than that blockhead Fuentes, Jan! Jan, however, protests merely that, far from their being any nefarious reason for wanting to hide his records from the German vultures, it's a simple matter of personal privacy, as only his wife gets to see them. Not that I doubt you Jan, but I hope you had a better coding system than that blockhead Fuentes! In Ullrich's defense, though, ex-teammate/regretful doper Jorg Jaksche helpfully explained that Jan in fact did not commit fraud, as in the 90s, everyone was openly expected to dope, and therefore, it wasn't actually dishonest at the time. And, he himself--though swearing to take down the doctors, managers, and assorted other remoras--won't bust on his fellow riders, given their hapless-pawn status, and frankly, given T-Mobile's astonishing record of skank-filled docs, soigneurs, and managers, I can't say I disagree that these smug weasels knew exactly what was going on. I mean, don't they know what they're pumping into their own boys' bloodstreams from the syringe they're holding? Right on Jorg! Meantime, Jan himself has apparently gotten over his righteous indignation at the other T-Mobile yappers he's scorned so fiercely, promising that the time to talk is coming soon and he has "already written down some thoughts." Looking for a post-fess-up directeur sportif job, are we? I'm sure Bob Stapleton is hiring!

Young Franke-nstein: And, in more Ullrich legal news, Jan's defamation trial against freakishly fanatic grudgemaster Dr. Werner Franke heads to court in August, with Franke promising to back up his charge that Ullrich paid Fuentes 35,000 euros for doping products with a stellar cast of witnesses including Dr. Eufemanio Fuentes himself, Rudy Pevenage, Rolf Aldag, and, inexplicably, Ivan Basso. Um, I'm really looking forward to their testimony Werner, but aside from setting up a subsquent prosecution for your own witnesses on perjury charges, what the hell exactly do you really expect out of these guys?

The Italian Stallion: finally, in about the last bit of doping news I can stomach this morning, I see Alessandro Petacchi is headed for a chat with the gentlefolks over at CONI, assuring Gazzetta dello Sport this morning that he "won his races clean." I agree absolutely, as it happens. After all, why dope when you can use a UCI-stamp-of-approval Therapeutic Use Exemption to blast enough oxygen into your own single chest to stoke the entire equine field at the Kentucky Derby?

"The Next Lance Armstrong": God, Bruyneel, why not just fire Levi Leipheimer's poor hardworking @#$ instead of humiliating him in the press by making out with Alberto Contador and treating poor Levi like last weekend's beer-goggled-frat-house-hookup reject--mightn't that be more merciful? First he's not the team leader. Then, he's on the podium. Now, you're basically writing him off for that. Sure, you're probably right, but must you share with everyone? This is in part your own doing Bruyneel. He's not Ivan Basso. You bet on the wrong pony (knowing exactly what you were doing hiring him) and lost. Get over it, and back the boy you hired for the job, even knowing he's had it--after all, your constant dissing even after you turned to him after the Basso debacle can't have helped. Hell, even Contador, who ought to have a giant ego after what he's pulled, has publicly backed Levi and noted he himself has time to take his own Tour. And while we're at it, a cautionary note: Iban Mayo. Ivan Basso. Alejandro Valverde--oh wait, he was "the next Indurain." If I find you a deep-pocket sponsor for 2008, will you cut the disgusting cowardly history rewrite and show some love for Levi already?

Your Mama Wears Combat Boots: just when I was sorely missing the lively smack-talking of Gilberto "Basso Non E Uomo" Simoni and mourning the dull dusty politesse of the this Tour's riders, comes Contador finally taking on Rasmussen, whacking him for bailing on an agreement to give him the stage win in exchange for helping the maillot jaune and making the youngster, most unfairly, have to work to beat the Chicken at the line (not that it looked that way, to Contador's credit.) Is that why Contador was poking at him with constant assaults at the top of the Peyresourde yesterday like a pesty younger sibling in a long boring drive in the back of the ol' family woody wagon? Allez Alberto!

Nap Time!: finally, with yesterday out of the way, and Vinokorouv completely (if blamelessly, given his own situation) jacking Kloden out of contention by pursuing his own ambitions to smashing effect, if nothing else seems clear it's this: teammates or not (nice try passing the blame Cadel), neither Cadel Evans nor Levi Leipheimer really has the legs, or perhaps worse, the fire, to attack, so as far as I can tell--and Levi, I still think you have it in you somewhere despite that sanguine exterior--they're hosed (hey, I'm not Levi's DS, I can sure as hell pipe up!). Sastre maybe, though certainly he's been suffering. More important though, to me anyway--Iban, where are you?! There's only one more day left in the Pyrenees! Dammit, I *knew* this might happen when everyone started paying positive attention to him again--$#%^ing rider-crushing press dirtbags!