Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Hell With UCI, ASO, and the Teams: It's Yer Comprehensive Plan to Save Cycling! #cycling

Look, it's only nine days 'til the Tour de France, and what's the big news in cycling? Right, UCI, ASO, and the teams are all in some bull!@#$ power struggle to "reform" the sport, and inevitably, they're gonna !@#$ it up. Ergo, it's time for the rest of us to take charge, so here, Yer Comprehensive Plan to Save Cycling:

1. Screw this revolving-door of teams named after corporate sponsors. Who the hell's ever gonna feel any loyalty to Team You Got Embarrassing Dandruff? Like with soccer clubs and baseball teams, your team's from *this* city or *this* place, and it's got *this* in big letters on the front of the jersey, and the corporate shills can stick their little logos on the shoulders the arms and that showy patch of real estate on the !@#, and we are going to buy 8 million tshirts and jerseys 'n' !@#$ to show our team pride. We're the Boston Nutcrackers, and you're going *down*, you punks!

2. Consistent, uniform team kit. !@#dammit, I *hate* when the teams change colors every year and it takes you (well, okay, me) half the season to figure out who's where in the peloton. Argyle? Great! Lampre? So pretty (though I did prefer the turquoise to that sedate navy)! FDJ? You guys get *one* chance to fix that monstrosity before the new rule's in place!

3. Podium babes. From now on, unless they've personally just won the race, they're Alberto Contador and Fabian Cancellara. At least that's what I'm sensing would be a ratings winner from all those lurid comments on Twitter!

4. ASO gets a 12-month grace period to get over France not winning a Tour de France in 2 1/2 decades. Then, they have to stop acting like crybabies and help *solve* this mess. That's what like 80% of this is about, right?

5. The Amgen EPO Tour of California can damn well wait until the Giro d'Italia is over from now on. I'm tired of the Giro field being gutted by this stupid schedule change!

6. Halftime Shows. Let's face it--except for an occasional GC-threatening crosswind, *nothing* is going on, say, 50k into a glass-flat sprint stage. Solution: mid-way through each Grand Tour, we full-stop the race for a dazzling multi-million-dollar musical halftime show! And, if you're anything like American football fans, you actually *will* tune into a sport you never watch all year and blow the ratings, and the advertiser/sponsor dollars, through the roof just to see it. David Hasselhoff, man (he's very big in Europe), Nicki Minaj, hundreds of dancers in sparkling-crystalled matching team kits--let's get this party *started*!

7. Barriers. The season-destroying carnage from these menaces, and the fans who lean over them, has gotten out of control. From now on, they'll have those spinning-serrated-blade thingies like the chariots from "Ben-Hur" to keep people back. Ya wanna get closer? Yeah, well the riders don't want to break their damn bones for your stupidity, either!

8. Guy riders will, in addition to their regular team-captain or domestique duties, act as soigneurs for the women until pay parity is reached. Gee, I've got a crucial mountain stage to rest up for tomorrow--uh, can I run out to the pharmacy and get you a refill on your razor blades, miss? Yeah, two days of that--suddenly there's enough money for everybody!

9. Sharp left-handers within 500 meters of the finish line shall be padded with, instead of hay bales, the actual !@#$heads who designed that crash-inducing idiocy. Voila--tomorrow's stage has been rerouted more sensibly!

10. Anyone touching a rider, unless it's to squeeze with permission squeeze Peter Sagan's adorably chubby cheeks, will be summarily consigned to a cage-fight with Mark Cavendish. Ya can't touch anyone else with yer arm yanked off!

11. Anti-doping controls will be carried out by the slowest rider in any given field. That way, at least he's got a fighting chance of figuring out what the hell's going on so he can level the playing field for the next day!

All right dear reader(s), if I've missed anything, god knows our beloved cycling could use the suggestions. So let's fix what needs fixing, and get on to the Tour!

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