Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tell Us How You Really Feel, Cav!

Yer Racejunkie Quote o' the Week: just as I was admiring Mark Cavendish for his firm yet diplomatic (re-)rebuke of Riccardo Ricco, and in particular his kind good wishes for his recovery, Cav confirms my growing swoonfest over his total inability to self-edit by tucking in a final thought for our fallen weasel: yep, Cav hopes "he becomes someone's bitch in prison." Me, I'm gonna be nice and bring you a tribute to his glory days. D'oh! He was a snakeling then too!

Like the Boy Scouts, Except They Help You Dope: uh, oh, friends o' Ricco', time for an impromptu trip to somewhere exotic: the Italian narcs are lookin' for anyone who helped him tranfuse, and since, let's face it, some of these magnum dopuses couldn't figure out how to put on their team jerseys without directions from their race radios, I'm guessing along with fellow skeptic Bikezilla the chances are pretty good that someone, at the least, helped Ricky Google "black-market expired medical equipment purveyor." Well, we already know it ain't Vacansoleil--after hiring you knowing you were an unrepentant lying cheating scumbag, they *did* have the PR sense to at least suspend you once it made *them* look suspect!

Race Roundup: in actual racing news, with Tommeke off to a fine start at Qatar, and Robbie lookin' good (if technically still winless--just for the moment!)in India, the boys are laying out their plans for the season, with Cav targeting, well, everything (and class move opining what a shocker it is for everyone, unlike for him, whenever Farrar wins a sprint), Cadel Evans having the eminent good sense to honor the fabulous Vuelta (where last year's tragic crash-out Igor Anton is still gonna kick his !@#, but no hard feelings Cadel!), and, best of all, we love Thor "Holy Crap He's the New World Champion!" Hushovd going for Roubaix and the Tour. Geez, Cadel aside, if the climbers don't get their acts together I might actually have to start paying attention to the fast men this year--ow, their giant egos are making my head hurt!

Like Those Weird Guys Who Insist the Moon Landing Never Happened By Pointing Out Tiny Funny Pixel Anomalies In Grainy Old Photographs, But More Delusional: and, for those of you (like Spain's Prime Minister) still flush with faith in Contador's innocence, here's a community of like-minded sweetly-naive in-denial doper-apologists, I mean, loyal fans with whom you can unleash your righteous anger over his complete crap frame-up, delineating in no uncertain terms how his 4 clenbuterol pozes are a trick and by the way enjoy that tainted hamburger before it drops you dead before you finish your chew. Aw, I still deep down do *hope* he didn't do it--wouldn't it be nice to be *sure* he made Lance Armstrong look like an !@@ perfectly cleanly?

Except UCI Agrees With The Weird Guys: whoa, looks like UCI--previously crusading to have Alberto drawn and quartered by a four-pack o' cyclists--has decided that the Spanish narcs, who they've been excoriating for weeks as being a bunch of nationalist hero-worshipping cheat-pampering pansies--have been doing a heckuva job after all, and it really wouldn't be in "cycling's" interest after all to, you know, try to clean up the sport. Hell, it certainly hasn't been in *UCI's* interest if they just plain like you--and even better, make tons of dough off you--the last umpteen years! Right, La--um, la la la, isn't it a lovely day to sing a song?

Nooooooooooo!: last but not least, it looks like eternal French road goddessJeannie Longomay finally be considering retirement, unless she sticks around for the Olympics, and not to question your patriotism or nothin', I say that's damn near treasonous--you're the only French rider who doesn't suck, Jeannie, and you owe it to your country to stick it out til they teach someone else to ride a bike! Or clone Hinault. Or slash everyone else's tires at the start line of every stage of the Tour. Or...Anyhoo, please don't go! And hey, Jens--I figure this gives you another good ten years in the peloton before you throw in the towel, no?

3 comments:

Tom said...

Thank you, RJ!

Now, please God, don't let guys like Cav, Andy and Cadel be dirty. Pretty please?

And, God, will you please forgive me for doubting that anyone other than Cadel on the above list can reasonably be expected to NOT be sucking down liter bottles of his own blood daily?

PJ said...

Contador acquitted . My reaction? Yeah! Hoorah! Has justice been served? I think so.

Anonymous said...

Whenever I need a good laugh I check in on the AC fan message board. Man are those people messed up.