Friday, February 04, 2011

It's the Tour of Qatar, Baby!

The Fast and the Furious: okay, a few days and a coupla damn stiff drinks later, I'm over the Landis thing and back in complete-denial and middling-optimism mode, because it's time for the fast men (and already the fast women) to hit the tarmac at the smashing Tour o' Qatar! On tap: Mark Cavendish, a bitchin' Tyler Farrar, and of course, the fabulously-recovered-and-ready-to-rumble big Tom Boonen! Yap, Cav, Tyler, yap--my money, and my hopes, are on Tommeke. As a reminder, here's our fearsome studpuppy stormin' two stages last year before the You Suck Amgen EPO Tour of California took 'im out:
2010 Tour of Qatar Highlights

And, our hero in further action:
Sure, it's gratuitous. And no, I haven't the slightest idea why a totally innocent instructional video has a 70s come-hither porno soundtrack. But really, can you picture Levi Leipheimer putting this out on the internet where his momma could see it? Anyway, 2011 is your year, again--you go, Tom!

The Battle Hymn of the (Spanish) Republic: meantime, Alberto Contador has, against all good judgment, decided to risk an even worse ban and fight his wrist-slap one-year suspension, and while I admire his righteousness--and let's face it, I ain't the only one who's made *that* mistake--I gotta say, in purely practical terms he's reverting to his "Lance'll Be a *Great* Teammate!" dimmer-bulb days. Are you *begging* those clowns to slap an extra year's ban on your rump before you even have a chance to hide the needle mar--I mean, track down that renegade cow-herd? Oh, Alberto, it took us *so* long to set you straight the first time...

The Basques Are Comin', The Basques Are Comin'!: and, watch out you big-budget poseur squads--Euskaltel-Euskadi is out for vengeance and Grand Tour victory after Contatwerp (Menchov, whatever) hosed Samu' out of his Tour podium and Nibali slurped off Igor Anton's vicious and unfortunate pavement-suck to opportunistically take the Vuelta. Bow, bow before the orange jersey, you wannabees--before their wingnut screaming fanbase *makes* you bow!

Yer "You Wish" Headline o' the Week: "Brian Holm Sez Alex Rasmussen Could Be the Danish Thor Hushovd." What?! I don't care how well you ride or what team you're on, you're lucky he doesn't pull a Lance Armstrong and make you indentured-servitude his !@# like Kloden! Just keep dreamin', punk...

How Do We Love Jens? I Cannot Count the Ways: finally, as if there were any doubt that Jens Voigt is a god--and no, there's not, you hell-bound heretics--the man is on the rampage again, ready to burn the field in the service of Schlecks and, of course, barely daunted for a moment after his hideous wipeout at the 2009 Tour. Really, can anything short of a nuke (and even that would probably cower before him) take down this man? Jeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnssss!

4 comments:

Tom said...

"The Battle Hymn" paragraph . . . you can't cheat us out of half of it!

Rosemary said...

Tom "I'm hungry like a wolf" Boonen says he "Feels ready." That's good enough for me....Go Tom!

Oh, and thanks for the instructional video....@Tom, are you going to ask for equal time and a link to a pic of Basso's sister?

Rosemary said...

ooops, had to change my Blogger photo....Go Tom!

Anonymous said...

No matter what crap is happening in the cycling world - and there has been a lot lately - an interview with Jens makes everything OK again :)
-JD