Thursday, September 16, 2010

Robbie McEwen: Your Racejunkie Rider Profile O' the Week

All right, I couldn't stand writing about Armstrong's latest denials, that skankball Oscar Sevilla's latest doping escapades, or those doping-sucking weenies Bjorn "I Did It All For The Nookie" Leukemans' and Riccardo "Mama's Boy" Ricco's latest sissy-boy verbal slap-fight, and I've got an insult moratorium on Cav for heck's sake, so it's on to something more fun: Robbie "Head-Butt" McEwen, yer Racejunkie Rider Profile o' the Week! Why? 'Cause he's !@#damn Robbie McEwen @#$dammit, and he'll crush you faster'n you can say "holy crap, that psycho just used his teeth to rip my ear off!", you cockroach!

Official Nicknames: the Pocket Rocket, and, apparently, "De kangeroe van Brakel." Why "Head-Butt?" That's why!Priceless!

The Man, The Myth, The Legend: born in '72. Married with three darling tots. Fluent in Flemish--he can scream his head off at you perfectly in *two* languages!

Palmares: with over 200 victories since he turned pro in '96 with Rabobank, what *hasn't* this guy won, except maybe Alpe d'Huez? Since his first stage win in the Tour in '99, he's been humiliating fellow sprinters both there and in the Giro--as well as damn near every other race he's ever ridden--and, 3 Tour de France green jerseys later, has never looked back. Why bother, when you're first across the line anyway? Right on Robbie!

Quotes of Note: "Shut your mouth, or I will fill it with my fist." to Lance Armstrong, 2002 Tour de France. Y'know, I was gonna include others, including some of his gentlemanly tweets re: the dopus who whacked him off his bike after the line at the Tour this year, or the impressive list of profanities he unleashed on the poor s.o.b. who dared to interrupt his post-race Tour de Suisse cell phone call, but really, can one even improve on perfection?

Sweet Spots: Uncivilized? Nah, rather, perhaps just a wee bit less polished than your average effete top-hat euro-twerp. Routinely hoists his darling McEwenlets atop his podiums. Tweets his colleagues congrats for their every success. Generously signs autographs for the kiddies. Aside from the fact that he'll take you down if you look at 'im wrong, what's not to love?

Weakness: Robbie, please don't hurt me! Like sprinters twice his size, he can't climb the mountains worth squat. But he can still kick the !@#$ out of you from the autobus!

Special Skills: ex-BMX'er. Can this boy pop a wheelie, or what?

Well, Robblie's got at least one more year at his new Aussie squad, and for my money, that's all the better for the peloton. But remember--approach with caution--or at least keep up with your rabies shots!


Tom said...

Head-Butt has become more likable but less entertaining as he's aged and mellowed.

I'm sure on a purely human level that's a good thing, but I wouldn't at all mind seeing a head-butt or an elbow or even a sweet lil slingshot just every now and again.

Rosemary said...

I thought he's more likable because Cavendish is in the picture!

My daughter giggles when I say his name....not sure why.