Don't Cry For Me Team Astana/ And, A Holy Crap Cadel Update!

The Truth Is, I !@#$in' Hate You: so Machiavellian Lance Armstrong Shepherd Supremo Johan Bruyneel has opened up on Lance, Astana, Vino, Kashechkin, and Contador, and guess who he despises?! Yep, you win! Aside from the predictable harrumphs that the Kazakhs are psychos, Vino's a dirty Frankenstein, and Kashechkin his filthy disgusting Igor, comes the acknowledgment that of course Alberto was riding better than The One and deserved to win at the Tour de France--ergo, why *wouldn't* he completely screw Alberto and back Armstrong instead? Seems reasonable to me Johan! The problem: Alberto, apparently, kept trying to think for himself. Now, I gotta admit some sympathy here for Bruyneel, because as we've all seen time and time again, Contador thinking for himself *can* be both wince-inducing and terrifying. However, with Johan and half the team hell-bent on undermining him, can anyone really blame the child for taking the initiative to protect himself at the Tour? Anyhoo, Johan's free, he can take comfort in the fact that he and Lance have, like all rich gourmands, bought up all the best confections and left peasant Contador with the five-second-rule ground-dwelling leftovers, and he'll never, God forbid, have to deal with some loser who's only won a Giro a Vuelta and two Tours when he's barely out of diapers again. Oh Klodi, oh Levi--how can you *stand* it?!

Aaaaaaaahhhhh/Love to Love You Baby/Aaaaaaaahhhhh: while on we're on the topic of Contador, it looks like, despite earlier reports to the contrary, he still can't shed his Fatal Attraction bunny-boiling stalker one-night stand Astana, which sez it's cleaned up its little paperwork snafu and is all set to take Alberto out for a whole nother season on the town. Contador, meantime, remains both desperate and coy, but at least has put a timeline on resolving this freakin' nightmare at a fortnight at most. Honey, didn't your momma ever tell you, you better shop around before you commit like this so young?

And Speaking of Tour Winners: yep, after UCI handed the Chicken's Tour win right over to Contador when word got out that they knew perfectly well he'd missed a whole bunch of pre-Tour doping controls and they still allowed him to ride anyway, everyone's favorite time-trial train-wreck Michael Rasmussen is about to come back to the Grand Tours with a new squad, and boy, has UCI got some explaining to do if they pull that hypocrite enabler pro-doper bullhockey again. Meantime, I'm thinkin' that, assuming those total cleansters Rabobank won't take him back with open arms, an Italian squad might make a nice, if unconventional, choice. Hell, it's not like they don't take folks with little, um, indiscretions, right Basso, Di Luca, Piepoli, Ricco',...?

Bridezilla Alert!: finally, everbridesmaid Cadel "Holy Crap He's the New World Champ!" Evans has once and for all called bull!@#$ on this also-ran bizness, saying he's tired of being stuck in the ugly unflattering poof dress while some other jerk gets to wear the tiara the sparkly white gown and the cinderella shoes in Paris, and from now on, is no longer taking "at least you got the podium" for an answer. Y'know, if Vino can't pull off the domestiques even Alberto occasionally needs to keep him safe from baby Schleck or at least to keep him from being totally blasted out the back in the flats, *and* even Lance's awesomely scumlordly purchasing power can't make up for aging (if, to be fair, still formidable) legs, *and* Whatever-The-!@##$-It-Is-Now-Lotto doesn't lose half its morons to dimwit amateur doping pozes, *and* pigs fly *and* UCI and AFLD make up *and* the Good Witch of the North and unicorns and magic dragons are real, he might just have a shot. Go Aussies!

Smart Boy, Cadel!: my goodness, that dopus little Contador could really take some lessons from his more-experienced if still Grand-Tourless elder, 'cause Cadel's just amicably parted ways with Silence "How Many Crucial Domestiques Can Test Poz In a Single Season?" Lotto and is shopping for a squad that can give him the backing he needs to take the final maillot jaune in Paris. Garmin or Caisse? Still waiting on Contador. Quick Step? Still built around the sprints, but possible. Katusha? Sky? Hmmm...who else has got the dough...any predictions? Ah well--at least we know it ain't RadioSkank!