Ding Ding Ding! We Have a Winner!

And By Unanimous TKO, It's Alberto "Freebird!" Contador!: yes folks, thanks to Alexander "Do I Look Like a !@#$ing Accountant?" Vinokourov's spectacular failure to get Team Astana's paperwork in on time, our wee little hero's apparently free under some sweet UCI rules to hit the road for another squad if he signs on the dotted line before Vino gets their balance sheet in, and if it weren't for the fact that I want the wholly underestimated Luis Leon Sanchez to take over for that dirtbag Valverde after his inevitable (1) July meltdown or (2) worldwide ban, I'd be rooting like heck for Caisse d'Epargne to take him, plus no matter what the sporting Tom Boonen sez about how neato it'd be to have Alberto on the team, he can forget about them ponying up for a lead-out next season if his team bags a pinup GC contender, so I suppose Quick Step's not on my hot list either. Which leaves us with Garmin, and that'd be just fine with me. But if you don't like them, Alberto, I'm sure Lance'll take you at RadioSkank if you ask nicely, right?

Very Superstitious/Writing's On the Wall: meantime, there's speculation from the AP that--*gasp*--the French narcs' alleged probe into unusual medical equipment being used by the squads at the 2009 Tour de France is "highly suspicious"--at least when it comes to The One's Team Astana. Why? Because those damn snail-eatin' wine-snortin' foulard-draped wuss-puppies DON'T LIKE LANCE! and worse, they DON'T LIKE UCI, WHO RAN A 100% DRUG-FREE TOUR THIS YEAR! And there are LOTS OF REASONS FOR INCREDIBLY HEALTHY ATHLETES TO USE SYRINGES. And THEY WERE PROBABLY PLANTED ANYWAY. And besides, DID WE MENTION THEY'RE FRENCH? Next up: English antidoping authorities' new efforts to clean up the peloton tossed because WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SISSY 'BERGAMOT' !@#$ THEY PUT IN THAT SISSY 'EARL GREY' TEA and CAN YOU BELIEVE THoSE NAMBY-PAMBIES EAT SOMETHING CALLED 'CRUMPETS'?! Well, at least the Spaniards seem to like ol' Lancypants just fine--does that mean all their jacked-up riders get a pass now?

Victory Is Mine!: and, in giant karmic payback for having the insane whim to schedule the Tour of California at the same time as the perfect Giro d'Italia, thereby guaranteeing it'll be stripped buck-nekkid of anyone worth watching from the European squads, Lance has announced that he'll be skipping the Giro this year to support Levi for his 4th win at the ToC. Woo-hoo, I've got my Giro back, and go Levi--after all, it's not like you-know-who's gonna let you go for the podium at the TdF you so clearly deserve!

Welcome Back, Doper: finally, it's a warm welcome back to the peloton for irritating egomaniac/multiple stage-stealing cheat-scum Riccardo Ricco', who between his (relatively) new bambino and endless calculated, I mean entirely sincere, woe-is-me-(that-I-got-caught) groveling has managed to charm UCI into taking him back into the fold early enough to score him a spot at the Giro with Ceramica. Heck, it's not like, say, Di Luca is any worse!