Oh, Get *On* With It, You Sissies!

Got Spine?: Look, UCI, we *know* you really, really, really don't want to give Alexander Vinokourov, who ranks right up there with your ol' pals Floyd Landis and Jan Ullrich on your Immolate In Flaming Hell for All Eternity podium, a ProTour license. And we *understand* you really, really, really want to set the doe-eyed sigh-inducing ginormous cash-cow of a sylph that is Alberto Contador free to go to a squad you like to continue to grab the incredible results that would bring this sport back to the heights of the Armstrong glory days and justify your increasingly irrelevant and irksome existence. But aside from the understandable conundrum that if I were you schmucks I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I denied the team a license for the self-loathing and hyperawareness of my own hypocrisy such a decision would engender, would you !@#$ing make up your dithering weenie cowardly minds already and quit screwing with the careers of half-a-dozen decent guys who really deserve to know if they're about to be jacked if they sign(ed) with the squad(and what the hell are you trying to *do* to me Velonews suggesting that they're gonna suck in Giro god Gilberto Simoni? Dang, I'd rather watch this kissy-face crap he's been pulling with that backstabbing snake Damiano Cunego all season and have him sign, as rumored, with Lampre!)? Face it, Vino's corralled the dough and passed his exams this season, and no matter how many formerly, well, ill-associated DSes he employs and what unusual medical equipment his soigneur happens to be carrying for wholly personal reasons completely unrelated to the needs of his boss--and frankly, if he were, I'd be expecting even better comeback results--he's hardly any less deserving than, say, the Valverde-snogging enablers over at Caisse d'Epargne, is he? Gather some guts and pony up a decision, for heck's sake!

It's A Whole New World: meantime, get ready folks--in the wake of Moises Duenas' unfortunate but relatively inconsequential drug poz comes happy news for the peloton: he's apparently cooperating with the narcs and passing on the multiple text messages he's shared with 2 boys from Caisse, another sap from Rock Racing, a guy from an Italian squad and a Russian rider about what were surely harmless and entirely legal do--I mean, health-improvement products. Whew--even I was getting really bored with everyone batting that ol' Op Puerto thing around! Aside from the minor issue that, if actually guilty, you're disgusting amoral cheats ruthlessly kicking in the packages (even worse, the palmares) of every clean innocent rider out there, a bigger principle is in play here so listen and learn, dimbulbs: do not ever, ever, ever, put anything in writing anywhere, anytime, ever that you do not want to end up on the front page of the New York Times or whatever local news outlet is going to turn you into a sports-paparazzi-stalked national symbol of societal decay after your next imbroglio. I don't give if it's about the blow you scored for the old, pre-reform-school Tom Boonen, how hard you'd like to slap Contador every time he pulls that freakin' "pistolero" move at the finish line, or the massive masochistic torch you've got burning for the UCI vampires who take your samples each day. What the !@#$ is so challenging about remembering this? You *pay* your handlers to think for you, they can't be leaving out "Dumb!@# No-Nos 101" from the curriculum, right? Now stop futzing with that needle when I'm talking to you, and *pay attention* already!

Just Say No: finally, in genuinely *good* news for this gorgeous if occasionally errant sport, congrats are in order to the Brits, who are not only gonna bash half the peloton into abject sniveling submission with Team Sky next season, but who've also started their very own anti-doping program, complete with a "drug-cheats hotline" so the accused-n-busted, or merely baselessly grudge-bearing, can inform on those of their compatriots either lucky enough to escape detection, or stupid enough to get on yer bad side. That's the last time you get *my* !@# relegated in a sprint, sucker!