My Fantasy Team Astana Press Conference (Part Deux!)

Alberto Contador: Good morning. I'm here today to formally announce that my honor, dignity and integrity do have an actual exact price tag, and it's 12 million bucks, an out clause letting me bail if any of those incompetent Kazakhs !@#$ up their doping regime, and Alexander Vinokourov's personal guarantee that he won't show up in July and hog all the press coverage that rightly, and alone, belongs to me. HEY, WHAT'RE YOU LOOKIN' AT HIM FOR? DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU ALL THE PRESS COVERAGE BELONGS TO ME? Anyway. First, I'd like to thank my moronothon brother and my other dimwit handlers for getting me into this !@#$ing inescapable nightmare, and, as a token of my affection, hereby put a bounty on their heads of one full season's salary for riding in this miserable gulag. Second, I'd like to note my violent hatred of Vino for all eternity for the egregious crimes of honoring a contract I entered into knowingly and voluntarily with someone else entirely and then modifying it completely in my favor, hiring a bunch of major talents at incredibly monstrous expense for the sole purpose of providing me total unquestioning superior service, and paying me more money than most of Europe's GDP to ride my bike be surrounded by adoring throngs and retire a legend, a god, and a gazillionaire by age 32. Third, I'd like to express my appreciation to Johan Bruyneel not only for refusing to let me out of my contract when he knew perfectly well he intended to hose me, but also for treating me like an unwanted disease of the intimate areas while I freakin' WON HIM ANOTHER TOUR DE FRANCE. Finally, in the spirit of comity and good sportsmanship which we all hold so dear, I'd like to extend an olive branch to my boyhood hero Lance Armstrong, which I plan to present to him in his spokes on a downhill switchback at 80 kph in the queen stage of next year's Tour. Vino?

Alexander Vinokourov: Thank you, Alberto. It's really a joy to learn that your moral objection to some of the most egregious doping violations since the Spaniards' can be swayed by a mere fraction of one of our sponsor's daily budget for armored limousines rotgut vodka black-market weaponry and high-class prostitutes. Nothing could bring me more pleasure than the prospect of catering to your every whining whim every day for the next four years only to be publicly dope-slapped and vilified on an ongoing basis in return. I not only look forward to riding with you as a mentor, but also as the kind of colleague who really, really needs to know precisely how you managed to make it out of Manolo Saiz's mystery-skin-patch-factory at Liberty Seguros and--not that I'm suggesting anything--to this point without getting busted. Last but not least, I too would like to extend an olive branch to my great and dear friends, the hypocrite enabler scumweasels who so randomly target the disfavored and wantonly slobber over their beloveds at UCI. Enjoy watching your golden boy race in a jersey with my face plastered on it in 2010, suckers!

Kazakh Business Consortium: We'll now open it up to questions from the cycling press. What do you mean "is he really happy to be here?" How dare you insult our great nation and its unimpeachable cycling supremacy you ignorant bourgeois dog-pig?! I'M GONNA SINK YOUR FEET INTO CONCRETE BREAK YOUR WEAKLING WESTERNER KNEECAPS AND THROW YOU INTO THE IRTYSH RIVER YOU !@#$ING !@#$! (conference breaks up amid sounds of running and chairs splintering)