Monday, July 13, 2009

My Fantasy Team Astana Press Conference

Johan Bruyneel: Good morning. As all you lurid media vultures are demanding, we're meeting today to discuss the situation here at Team Astana honestly, openly, and with love in our hearts. I hope this is not only informative, but enough to get you !@#@#$%s off my back for ten minutes so I can DS this !@#$^%$ race. I'll first turn it over to Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador to discuss their relationship.

LA: Well, when I first heard I'd be Alberto's teammate, I couldn't've been more excited. I mean, certain guys--and I'm not naming names here--I know are just gonna bow down to me like a god, but a rider like Contador? Sweet. So what's with this "I want the Tour this" and "I wanna be Captain that" crap I'm hearing now? Wash my feet, you worthless dirtbag!
AC: It's a good thing I can't speak English, or I'd tell that arrogant entitled cowboy !@#hole where to stick it in explicit detail. I don't give a crap what you think I snarfed at Liberty Seguros or why you think I've improved like a freak in the time trial since last spring, I'm the best stage racer in the world, I'm only 26, I've already won the Tour the Giro and the Vuelta which is more than Lord One Trick Pony can say, and I have to beg to be allowed to go off the front like some zero neo-pro water-bottle-carrier who's barely won a nursery-school summer-camp tricycle race? Are you kidding me? I AM ALBERTO !@#$ING CONTADOR !@#DAMMIT!

JB: As you can see, they're great friends. And they only care about the well-being of the team. Now let's move on to the mood among the domestiques.

Levi Leipheimer: Me, I'm happy to work for anyone. Thank you, Johan, may I have another?
Andreas Kloden: With all the dope I took at T-Mobile, I'm just glad I'm not in prison.
Haimar Zubeldia: I should've stayed with Euskaltel. At least Samu' Sanchez is mentally stable...
Sergio Paulinho: That kid better take me with him when he bails next year or I'm gonna shove his scrawny butt off the side of Ventoux.
Yaroslav Popovych: Lance, dear, you look a little peaked. Can I get you a nice cold lemonade? Here, let me fan you with this palm leaf!
Chris Horner: I can't believe I got stiffed out of the Tour for some !@#$^%$ Kazakh nobody!

JB: Let's turn to team strategy. Guys?
LA: I haven't decided yet.
JB: Um, I guess I haven't decided yet.
AC: Whatever it is, I'm hosed.
YP: After what I did to Cadel Evans last year, my only strategy is to stay the heck out of his way.
LL: If one of these clowns cracks, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. Aw, yes it is. Rats!
AK: I don't see why I have to hand-scrub Lance's bike shorts every night. It says "machine wash cold, delicate cycle" right here on the label.

JB: Finally, let's look at our plans for next year. As for me, if they think I'm gonna blow my legacy coddling that psychopath Vinokorouv and his yes-man acolyte Kashechkin, they're freakin' nuts. Besides, the Livestrong team kit's already on its way back from the manufacturer.
LA: I'm not worried. Johan'll do whatever I tell him to. Especially after I beat him down for not putting the lid on that twerp Contador this year.
LL: I don't know, but after multiple Grand Tour podium finishes and about a hundred stage wins, I don't see why I would deserve team leadership anywhere. That's what Lance and Alberto tell me, anyway!
AK: How much does a soigneur make again?
AC: I will spend the rest of my professional life making Johan Bruyneel pay for what he has done to me. Plus, who the hell else does this 'new Spanish team' think is gonna win the Grand Tours for them, Valverde? Adios, suckers!

JB: Well, this concludes our Team Astana press conference. Remember, if you don't like Lance, yer an America-hatin' commie-socialist pro-cancer sissified wine-drinkin' Brie-eatin' Euro-weenie--no yellow bracelets for you!


simon lamb said...

Hey how did you get access to the press room. Great post as always


The Team Chef said...

Spot on. The best interpretation of the Astana situation I've read.

Most of the media have their collective nose so far up Bruyneel's and Armstrong's bum that it's really getting hard to stomach most of what's being written right now.

Thanks for a refreshing change of pace.

Tom said...

Dammit! Why didn't I write that (only with a bunch of misspellings, incomplete thoughts, thoughts in reverse order and a few other irritating errors)?!

PJ said...

Terrific! Fantastico! Spot on!

Anonymous said...

Your posts always make me smile. This one was spot on, but Alberto can speak English.

Anonymous said...

Love it love it love! Great work. Please can we have another?

Tusher said...

Pure Genius!

Rosemary said...

Your best fantasy press conference by far! And your others were fantastic too!

Anonymous said...

Well done, Racejunkie. This should be required reading for all members of the press covering the TdF, and for anyone that has written, commented or thought that Contador's (the titular leader of the team, according to Bruyneel at the beginning of the Tour) attack in the last 2km of one of only three mountain top finishes was anything other than praise worthy.