Career Tips for (Ex) Dopers

Helpful Hints: Vinokorouv. Schumi. Sella. Kohl. Bastianelli. Dang, even Triki (aaaaiiiggghhh!). What do they all have in common? That's right, a scarlet letter for doping, deeply repentant souls (ha!), and crap employment prospects as a result. Therefore, in the spirit of sincere belief in returning rehabbed miscreants to productive roles in society, and my desire not to have our tax dollars pay to support these arrogant twits on the dole, I humbly offer some alternate career suggestions to help our poor downtrodden boys'n'girls back on the path to righteousness:

1. Phlebotomist. Who better to draw blood from someone else than a person with pre-existing expertise and such a marked lack of squeamishness they can shoot themselves up on the toilet of a Holiday Inn? Thanks, Dr. Fuentes!

2. Bus Driver. We already know you can manage those tricky descents on two wheels, why not for your local Greyhound franchise? With luck, you might even get to ferry your old teammates around--and with your eyes focused on the road, you'll honestly be able to say you had no idea what the hell was going on back there when the narcs come a-knockin'. Bonus!

3. Head of One of the Most Powerful Teams in Cycling. Okay, it helps to have doped your way to an actual Tour de France win for this one, but even the least successful among you ought to be able to score a gig with *somebody*. Big points if you can get your sympathetic sponsors to say they "understand" you don't want to "dwell on the past," then turn around and credibly profess your shock, disgust, and outrage when one of your own riders cheats without a particle of self-awareness or irony. Lookin' good there, Bjarne!

4. Pharmaceutical and Medical Supply Sales Rep. You walked the walk, now you can talk the talk. Your million-dollar mantra: Man, was *that* !@#$ good!

5. Waiter at Applebee's. Anybody who can stuff a dozen water bottles down their jersey riding alongside a team car at 35 miles per hour then pass 'em back out in a crowded peloton without so much as clipping a wheel can surely handle the beer-'n'-bloomin' onion orders of a handful of boisterous just-liberated cube-dwellers during the 5:01 p.m. rush. You get tips, too!

6. Peace Corps. If you've got any desire whatsoever to get back in the game after your ban is up, this one's for you. You benefit humanity, learn what a tough break really is, and totally coincidentally get potential-employer-pleasing waif-laden photo ops galore to prove your reformed-in-body-and-mind genuine-regret cred. Who knew charity could benefit the giver-of even more than the given-to?

Well folks, I hope this helps, but if these don't work out for you, you can always join little Ricco' teaching spin class. Welcome back to the ranks of the real world's domestiques, and don't forget to look busy when the boss comes 'round!