Lessons From Slasher Films; And, Breaking Rock Racing News

Run, Alberto, Run!: thought you'd maybe have to suffer the power-sucking vortex of Lance Armstrong's insatiable ego and hunger for attention for just one Tour de France, then you'd be back to being unquestioned team king at Astana under the nurturing, supportive hand of Johan Bruyneel? Ha! Think again, little Contador, because Dear Leader is now suggesting he'll come back for a second year. Y'know those scenes in horror movies where some unearthly disembodied voice gacks "GEEEETTTTTTT OOOOUUUUUUTTTT" to a half-dressed houseful of comely horndogging coeds who naturally ignore the voice then post-haste start getting slaughtered? Yeah, it's like that. GEEEEEETTTTTT OOOOOUUUUUUTTTTTT!

Advance Australia Fair: meanwhile, it's time for the fabulous Tour Down Under, baby! and as Robbie McEwen takes the early lead in the 2009 Thor Hushovd Promotional Tchotchke Body Mangling Award by being thwapped by a doofus spectator's outthrust camera just moments into the new season, congrats to hometown fave Allen Davis for his smashing stage 2 triumph, not that one'd know it with everyone hanging on whatsisface's every piggish burp instead, but for my money the local boy to watch remains indestructible stalwart we love Stuey O'Grady, who sez he's not really yet on proper form (aaaiiiggghhhh!) but which doesn't save him from my heartfelt expectation that he'll imminently crush everyone in the race like spike heels on cigarette butts. Allez allez Stuey!

Oh, Baby, It's Kohld Outside: over in doper purgatory, thieving Tour de France podium skank Bernard Kohl has decided to accept his two-year ban for being completely inferior to Maurizio Soler, whining that he'd hoped the penalty for cooperating wouldn't be the same as for an uncooperative rider, as he never *promised* he'd name his actual supplier. Live 'n' learn! I gotta say though, if he weren't such a cheating weasel dirtball, I'd almost feel rather sorry for him. Why name names just to get back to the peloton a few months earlier if the supplier's other customers are gonna run you over with a team car or knock you off a precipice for !@@#$ing up their source?

I Want to Publish 'Zines/And Rage Against Machines: yep, as he successfully tests his redeemed and drug-free legs in Argentina, dreamy-eyed winged angel Basso's blood values are officially up on line, and while Armstrong's backtracking a bit about posting numbers that could be misinterpreted in the vent of a little tummy upset or high-altitude training bout, our Ivan's determined to be not only clean but also transparent, so here's the site. Any of both my faithful readers who's not a raging science twit like, um, other people besides me, want to take a crack at it and give us the dish, especially, oh, in May or so?

Don't Cry For Me Argentina (Cuz I'm The One Who Owes You Thirty Thousand Bucks): finally, what would cycling news, or at least lurid rumormongering, be without the near-inexhaustible opportunity to dope-smack Rock Racing, this time for jacking the Tour of Argentina race organizers out of a sweet 30 grand put up front to coddle a pack of hosed-over hopefuls from a team too decimated to get its license--forget about their overall act--together in time to line up for the start. I'm tellin' you Ball, we've already got a good collection of bike(s) and harmlessly expired Power Bars here--don't look a gift horse in mouth when ya can't even keep your boys in bike skivvies!

Breaking News: really finally, it seems that even with its current travails, Michael Ball's miraculously scored his troops a break, as the squad's apparently gotten an invite to the Amgen EPO Tour of California. Slick move by Rock Racing, and here's hoping they can afford by then to show up with something more reliable to ride than 30-year-old Goodwill rejects--anyone else thinking it's gonna be lively watching Tyler Floyd and Levi slug it out for supremacy? Place yer bets now folks!