My Fantasy Team Director Press Conference

Good morning. I'm here today because there's been a little glitch in our systemic doping program/I'm afraid I'm gonna end up the $5 directeur sportif of a middle-school squad if I don't do some halfway plausible damage control/my sponsor has two hired goons with baseball bats in the hallway ready to break my goddamn legs if I !@#$ this up.

As you know, the maillot jaune/our most expensive star/some low-rent dumbass domestique we barely even care about tested positive for EPO/homologous blood doping/why he didn't just have the sense to snort his wad of coke in the off-season like everyone else is beyond me. The team would like to emphasize that we have to say we have nothing to do with it even though of course it's the product of an organized internal program/the rider is the sap who's gonna pay for everyone else's wrongdoing/we're suing the moron team doctors who are getting paid waaaaaaay to much to !@#$ this up.

Frankly, we were shocked that since you let Rabobank and Cofidis ride after last year/Liquigas and Barloworld stay in the race this year/half the assclowns with Op Puerto blood bags still nestled in a Spanish fridge hit the start line at every race on earth every year, you are even pretending to hold us accountable for our own actions/interrupted a good night's sleep for this farce/can say you give a rat's !@# about doping with a straight face. That being the case, however, we are taking immediate action. First, we are instituting a rigorous blood values monitoring program to ensure that we've got the riders' hematocrit obscenely high before the season starts so we can claim it's natural/the team doctors are getting the microdosing right/none of this !@#$ can get traced back to us. Second, any rider found to have doping products or materials on his person or in his hotel room will be immediately ordered to return it to the team bus/!@#$%-slapped by his team leader/diagnosed with a crap stomach ailment and forced to go home so we don't get implicated. Finally, we'd like to assure the press and fans that we're working real hard to find new substances that'll help us evade the doping controls/who's been helping Johan Bruyneel's boys all these years/enough dough in the budget to pay the rider enough to keep his mouth shut while he's in prison. Thank you.