It's Triki...It's Triki (Triki!), Triki (Triki!)

Clean as a Whistle, My !@#!: as the entire cycling world wallows in its orgy of self-adoration for its newfound perfect cleanliness, and CAS announces it won't pester the Spaniards over some inconsequential blood bag with Alejandro Valverde's dog's name on it til well after the shiny bright Tour is over, then UCI announces it's got a list of about 30 boys with funny blood values, none of which will totally coincidentally be announced or further analyzed during the bloated sponsor cash-cow spectacle that is the Tour, then the French announce they've got about 20 weasel bastards at the start line whose blood also looks awfully funny but who totally coincidentally they see no need to make a fuss over til the Tour's over either though they will kindly warn them about the "threats to their health", comes the hideous news that we love Triki Beltran no less is the first sap of the year to test positive for EPO in this year's "new-school" Tour de France. Aiiigggghhh! Which makes all the more obnoxious, of course, those desperate righteous commercials on Vs. this week with Vino rolling backwards into the time trial start, St. Ivan of Varese stepping off the podium with his bambino, and, most irritatingly, Floyd Landis smilingly doffing his maillot jaune. Well, with all this totally coincidental avoidance of ongoing unpleasant realities going on, I'm so !@#$%ing impressed with how the cycling feds and other governing bodies' lying bull!@#$ dedication to clean sport has paid off! Tell me again why Tom Boonen can't just snort a giant line of blow through a six-foot straw right from his doorstep to Pat "Dick" McQuaid if these clowns are clearly gonna continue to essentially sanction the use of actually performance-enhancing drugs in cycling's premier races? Oh, but now they're taking Triki out as the latest Completely Solo Rogue Scapegoat, so that makes their tolerance, nay encouragement, of the 200 other dirty pigs in the peloton all A-OK...

I give up. Pay Jan Ullrich back all the money he blew on doping in '06 and offer him a public apology. Give Vinokorouv a key to Paris, the rock-star limo he deserves, and all the medical assistance he requires. Hook freakin' Bjarne Riis up with an armload of IVs and get his !@# out of the team car and back on the bike. Hell, stoke up Bernard Hinault til he's a quivering crackhead for all I care and see how he stacks up against the current generation of dope fiends. And while we're at it, the *least* you hypocrite skank goons can do is free Iban and Landis from the arbitrary selective hell you've consigned 'em to. You *suck* UCI!

Apropos of nothing, isn't awfully odd and sad that damn near *all* the Lance underlings from Postal and its progeny--Heras, Hamilton, Triki, to get the ball rolling on the hall of shame (and no, I won't count Floyd "Monkey Trial" Landis)--went bad as soon as they left the nurturing pure embrace of the Bruyneel team bus? Shame on you all, boys, tainting such an irreproachable legacy!