Vuelta a Espana 101, Baby!

Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaaaah!: Welcome, Vuelta newbies, to the most underrated--and perhaps most fabulous--Grand Tour on earth! You've seen the Italians cavort in the Giro. You've watched the French, well, largely choke as usual in their hometown Grand Boucle. Now, it's time for the smashing Spaniards to come out to play, and play they shall in the most brutal mountains, vicious heat, and unforgiving terrain in the game. So pull up your chairs, spread out some tapas, cough up whatever ridiculous amount it takes to watch the show off the Internet--here's what you need to know!

Bad News Bears: for those of you who missed the Vuelta last year, it was a reluctant resented playground for guys like Alexander Vinokorouv, preemptively kicked out of the '06 Tour de France because of the Op Puerto doping scandal but not actually busted enough to be forced out of the Vuelta. Anyhoo, Vino took out his rage against the French on the Spaniards, mowing down competitors like an angry drunk on a tractor and, with the help of domestique-of-the-gods/post-Tour blood doping poz Andrei Kashechkin, taking the podium over everyone's fave the luckless, yet still egregiously paid, Alejandro Valverde. Now? Thanks to Vino, Kash, and fellow doper Kessler, team Astana's been booted entirely, and it's back to the Spaniards tho' not to Valverde, who, still whacked from his fair-enough Tour, is sweetly saving himself for the Worlds the tools at UCI have barred him from. Which brings us to...

The Course: it's an amazing world o'hurt from Day 1, as the Vuelta sorts out the GC contenders in short order with three brutal mountaintop finishes in the first 10 days alone, and whoever's left limping after that is gonna have to play defense through the remaining mountains and rolling stages til the time trial on the penultimate day smacks down any gap that's left among the big boys. Surprisingly this year, the sprinters have some time in the spotlight, if they can get past the Pyrenees without their huge carcasses being left whimpering like lonely puppies at the base of 'em. The last day, we all get to relax, and watch whoever hasn't already bailed out to rest up for the Worlds on Sept. 30 crawl into Madrid for the presentation of the beautiful Maillot d'Oro. And won't they all be happy to see it after 3 weeks of that! But who gets to wear it at the end depends on...

The GC Contenders: CSC's perennial we love Carlos Sastre. Oscar "my 2006 Tour Wasn't Either a Fluke" Pereiro from Caisse d'Epargne. Euskaltel's brilliant Sammy Sanchez, who sees Saunier Duval's Jose Angel Gomez Marchante (oh Iban!) as his biggest threat. Weaknesses: none of these guys are gonna kick your !@# in a time trial, so somebody's gotta crush someone in the mountains, and most of these guys are dead even. Strengths: Sanchez, hailing from a team of featherweight climbers notoriously disastrous in the time trial, has been improving in the discipline, and he's got Lord of the Climbs Haimar Zubeldia to help him crush the field as it heads uphill. Thereby raising the question of...

The Stage Threats: as the GC boys eye each other nervously, some heavy-duty Italians are actually in the hunt for stages, testing themselves and each other for team primacy at the Worlds, so boys like Lampre's Damiano Cunego, Quick Step king Paolo Bettini, and Davide Rebellin will each be looking to make their mark. Meantime, almost any Spaniard is eager to take a stage on his own turf, and with the Continental squads lacking the budgets and resulting firepower to take on the ProTour teams for the podium, look for guys from Karpin Galicia to move in for the kill on the breakaways. Bringing us to...

The Sprinters: for a Grand Tour traditionally in deep avoidance of the flats, this year's got a surprising amount of action, and, with the notable exceptions of Robbie "Bite Me Predictor" McEwen and we love Thor Hushovd, most of the sprinters worth watching at the moment are in the game, with a Tour-deprived Petacchi eager to dope-slap the people who kept him out of it, Erik Zabel to back him up or take him on depending, Lampre's upstart Daniele Bennati, big babe-magnet Tom Boonen, perpetually neck-kinked tenacious champion we love Oscar Freire, and less often-seen Spaniards like Francisco Ventoso and Euskaltel's Inaki Isasi dearly wanting to take one for the home team. All of which ultimately is going to be overshadowed by...

The Teams: putting aside the Spanish squads, Discovery's actually got a hell of a lineup, with last year's stage winner Tommy Danielson and Stijn Devolder each rumored to be team leader and we love Chechu Rubiera and Allan Davis on backup. So does Predictor-Lotto, despite McEwen's wrathful absence, with Cadel Evans on board but presumably too whacked to glom onto the likes of Euskaltel's wheels in the high passes, and endless lovable attack dog Chris Horner to blast apart the pack if the mood should strike. Other'n that, venga Euskaltel-Euskadi!

In sum--leg-crushing mountains. Heated regional rivalries. Screaming Basque fanatics dressed in orange and utterly off their heads with excitement. A truly star-studded playground for the best racers on earth. What's *not* to love? And remember to yell, Venga! Venga!

Now, click your ruby heels three times and repeat after me, "Denis Menchov is not the winner of the 2005 Vuelta. Denis Menchov is not the winner of the 2005 Vuelta. Denis Menchov is..." ah, back in Kansas!