Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Gentlemen, Start Your Lawsuits: Dissed by the Giro, scorned by the Tour, and, in a final insult, barred by even our beloved Vuelta which I will forgive for almost anything, "ProTour" squad Unibet has finally called it quits on being the Official Punching Bag of a Totally Unrelated Schoolyard Grudge Match between the smug Grand Tour organizers and the self-destructive infighting prima donnas over at the ProTour. Can anyone tell me what in actual cycling was served by screwing a bunch of innocent riders signing on with a ProTour squad in total good faith with the reasonable presumption that they'd be participating in some of the most prestigious and thrilling races on earth? Given the eye-searing fashion sense of the rest of the peloton, let's leave aside the necessity of making the poor bastards ride around in question-mark jerseys that made 'em look like wardrobe rejects from a Riddler episode of Batman. What's more, even considering how badly they've been hosed all season, they've *still* managed to rack up a handsome team palmares this year, making certain, say, French squads seem like a pack of wobbling uncoordinated training-wheeled amateurs. Though I'm normally not shedding any tears for the teams, I must admit I am at an utter loss to understand why exactly fine cyclists like Baden Cooke deserve to be stomped into the dirt just because guys like Christian "Dick" Prudhomme have a bee up their !@##$ about the admittedly loathesome ProTour. You howling babies all ought to be ashamed of yourselves!

Trouble in Paradise: and, as the lesser Discovery riders grab for any job they can get, only Stijn Devolder seems to be courted from all sides, and even we love Levi Leipheimer seemingly remains up in the air, Prophet of Doom Dirk Demol helpfully points out that even jailbait maillot jaune/default Tour king Alberto Contador is jacked finding a new gig, what with the Spanish squads already saddled with Grand Tour leaders, his July triumph making him too damn expensive anyway, and the rest of the ProTour still twitchy over his possible link to Op Puerto despite receiving the full support, like Alejandro Valverde, of the Spanish cycling fed. Thanks for making it all seem worthwhile for the kid, jackass! And Andreas Kloden? Well, clean freaks/old pals T-Mobile of all people are apparently considering him, with, hilariously enough, Rolf "Wah, Wah, I Doped Here, Sure I'll Sign Another DS Contract Extension" Aldag complaining that, as a friend of both Matthias Kessler and--horrors!-- Jan Ullrich, he really ought to have better and more discreet taste in chums. From the ranks of *T-Mobile*--are you *kidding* me?! Who the hell was the boy supposed to hang out with? Surely I can't be the only one assuming these hypocritical goons doped up even their team dog the last ten years just to give Sparky a little extra joie de vivre on the team bus!

Countdown to the Vuelta: and, the sprinter's jersey is open yet again as Robbie McEwen bails out, but Cadel Evans, sport that he is, is going in. Oh, go home already everyone. It's still gonna be Sanchez Sastre and Zubeldia for the podium!

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