UCI Can't Believe What Simps They Are

Spanish Punks On Dope: yes, UCI, in its fearless crusade against the evil that is illicit performance enhancement, has managed to provide a free ride for every doper scum-cheat who might possibly have a good shot at the podium at the Tour de France, except Ivan Basso, the ever-dope-slapped Jan Ullrich, and of course the possibly-not-even-guilty-and-already-disproportionately-punished Floyd Landis, cheerfully reassuring the skittish ProTour DSes that they "don't have time" to read all the Op Puerto documents before the Tour, so besides the aforementioned scapegoats and the incredibly yanked Saiz-pimped elder statesmen from Liberty Seguros (free Joseba!), everyone else is off the hook at least til after the finish line in Paris. Your 'stomach problems' can all improve now, boys!

Frankly, the blustering skanks at UCI make me sick, and for any of these mudsucking snakes to claim they really care about eliminating doping is a farce beyond belief. I'm no Einstein--hell, I'm hardly the Count from Sesame Street--but it seems to me that if you hire 60 quasi-literate Neanderthals and sit 'em down in a reasonably well-lit room with a cooler of Red Bull, they can each be handed 100 documents, a yellow highlighter, and a list of rider names for comparison, and blow through 6000 pages of Op Puerto file in no time. And you've had the docs for a month already, you clowns--that forces your lackeys to a Dr. Seuss-reader rate of only a little more than 3 freakin' pages a day. You don't have 'time'?--you don't have the desire, suck it up and admit it!

Gone But Not Forgotten: speaking of Prince Charming--and conceding that, while he certainly did deserve what he got, he certainly didn't deserve it any more than all the other riders who aren't getting it--the always-tranquillo Basso's sworn to come back big in an interview with Gazzetta dello Sport, and, with the support of his loving wife and friends in the peloton who shall remain nameless, has promised his little bambina that he will return to win the Giro yet again. What's more, he did so tell the Italian cycling fed everything he knew, and, in response to a surprising question from the wisenheimers at Gazzetta, amiably agreed that his beloved dog Birillo is always with him. A small but promising start to repairing the damage you've done to his blameless puppy name, Ivan--now if you'll only cop to what everything thinks you ought to cop to!