Friday, June 29, 2007

The Lumberjack Song

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay: yes indeed, in the wake of being smacked out of the German national championships, Jorg "Who, Me?" Jaksche has decided it's time to sing, and his lawyer gleefully assures us that not only has he himself decided to confess to the doping he somehow mistakenly said he never did in Monday's Der Spiegel, but he's ready to fell half the peloton along with himself, and name every sap who's had the misfortune to encounter him on the way to the doctor's office. Watch out management! Word of caution: having also sworn to pimp yourself to WADA UCI and everyone else who'll take a piece of you, Jorg, can you please not go *too* unbearably Jesus Manzano on us, and just get a nice quiet job somewhere as a blameless Directeur Sportif like every other cheating filthy skank?

You *Still* Blow, Bjarne!: and, CSC's finalized its Tour roster, which, while happily letting in Dave Zabriskie, and of course the usual suspects like we love Jens Voigt and O'Grady, has completely crappily left poor we love Bobby Julich out in the dust. Y'know, it's his last year in the peloton. He's a mentor to the younger riders; a mellow presence in the midst of your roiling cesspool of a troubled team; both a Classics and a Grand Tour stalwart; a damn good time trialist; and he can *still* set a blistering pace for his team leader when he's called on. He's had some crap luck this season but also shown some pretty decent form, and he's about the only guy in the field you can count on to actually be having a stomach ailment when he's claiming one the day before a doping control. And this is thanks and the @#$%y farewell to his fabulous career you give him Bjarne you total son of a !@#$%?! Bite me!

A Little Late to the Party: and, I note that Danilo di Luca, scheduled for the Italian Inquisition on July 5th, has now grandly signed the UCI Purity Pledge right when he's guaranteed not to need it for the Tour, expressing astonishment that any rider wouldn't sign this eminently reasonable promise, and that naturally, the entire hoo-ha over his chilling in a dope-prepping doctor's office right after he got a phone call imploring him to come take his EPO before the control-evasion window closed was merely some sort of misunderstanding about coming by for a shot of espresso. Good luck Killer--if CONI finally caved and went after national treasure/pinup studmuffin Ivan Basso, I think you're really gonna need it!

Perry Mason Rides Again: finally, big points for Discovery guru Johan Bruyneel, righteously insisting that of course every one of his fine and spotless riders is proud to sign the official UCI Invitation to Perjury, while at the same time pointing out that--not like this matters or anything--but he's confident it's not legally binding on anyone. Um, not to bring up any bad memories Johan, but didn't this same overconfident philosophy rather come back to bite you in the !@# with Ivan Basso and the ProTour "No Op Puerto Riders" agreement?

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