Monday, August 07, 2006

Legal Strategy 101

A Humble Suggestion: Now, I don't know how it works in Europe, but first, Floyd, Americans freakin' *hate* lawyers, particularly aggressive ones (though when informed of the consequences of reasoned discussion in their own matters, these same gentle flowers are the first to tell their own lawyers to go all pitbull on your @#$.) Second, Americans hate hearing a bunch of highfalutin' eggheaded testing protocol this and due process that. They like their explanations clean and simple, whether or not they're actually true when they're put that way. They particularly don't like a bunch of highfalutin' eggheaded weaselly lawyer explanations that keep changing, whether or not there's a good reason for it. You say something, you stick to it, even in the face of absolutely contradictory facts and common sense. And since they don't mind, Floyd, as some of us might, when you sell your own lawyers down the river to the press for these failings, since they inevitably deserve it, you (and your legal team, should you continue to retain them), ought to simplify and clarify your message, and it is this: "The lab is crap. Worse, it's anti-American commie socialist lily-livered pate-eating *French* crap. Ergo, the lab results are crap. I don't know why they're crap, but they are crap, and I'm going to find out why they're crap, and I'm going to make them pay." That's it. Hear me? Now shut up, and don't say another word. Nothing. Nada. Ever. And when it's all over, whether you actually did it or not, you're going to apologize to your scapegoat lawyers like a gentleman, and then you're gonna sue everybody into oblivion. Get it? God!

We Love Jens (Part IV)!: So the unstoppable Jens took another mountain stage today by two seconds over Levi Leipheimer, putting him 20-odd seconds ahead of Levi (who in typical good-sportmanlike form, now tags Jens the favorite) with only the tt to make it up. Normally, I'd say "no problem," but with the disastrous Tour tt only a few short weeks ago, and Jens in form in every terrain, it's possible Levi could be right. I very much want Levi to win, and give Gerolsteiner a fine farewell at the top of his game, but who could be unhappy if attack-happy-man-of-all-races-good-guy Voigt takes it all? We love Jens!

In contract news, promising youngster Bernard Kohl is leaving T-Mobile for Gerolsteiner, yet another reason to wonder if T-Mobile is bent on second-string team status for the coming year or is simply cleaning house in a post-Jan orgy of pointless change. Speaking of which, I've also been wondering if Frankie Andreu's ignominius sacking from Toyota-United was really due to his other commitments like OLN, which I imagine wasn't news to them, and his freakish desire to see his kids for a day, or whether he's perhaps fallen victim to the years-out leak of his confidential testimony about the Lance doping allegations. My, what a year it's turning out to be in staffing intrigue!

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