Oh, No, Carlos!

This Just Sucks: so wee little Sastre, having already announced he's leaving Geox after a wholly pointless and mutually self-destructive alliance with Denis Menchov, has finally decided his future: he's retiring. Now, I have had certain persons who shall remain nameless suggest that, despite his obvious total greatness, it was, perhaps, a bit odd that our pure climber rode the time trial of his life and pulled off the win at the 2008 Tour de France, to which my highly analytical response is, of course (1) bite me! and (2) even though Carlos *did* have the time trial of his life, (a) it still kinda sucked, which *has* to be reassuring, and (b) the maillot jaune, as Phil and Paul say--and what kind of unworthy heathen would argue with them?--gives you wings. And that's *only* the maillot jaune, you haters! Anyway, since turning pro with the late great ONCE 15 years ago, Carlos Sastre racked up a huge palmares, but was never too humble to domestique someone who deserved it--right up through the 2011 Vuelta--no matter the personal cost. Here's dear little Sastre winning on Alpe d'Huez in 2008:

And kickin' !@# at the Giro in 2009:

And generally being way more fabulous than that oppressor-wank Bjarne Riis ever deserved after the way he treated 'im:

Aw, rats--thank you Carlos for 15 years of spectacular climbing!

It's the 2011 Giro d'Italia, Baby!

Tour, Schmour--it's time for the fabulous Giro d'Italia, baby, and the Corsa Rosa kicks off on Saturday! So, without further ado, here's yer Official Racejunkie Quickie Preview of the Bow Before the Giro d'Italia, Beeyotches:

The Course: 21 stages o' leg-rippin' misery, starting with a flat, 19k team time trial, tossin' in a couple of flat stages before Cav starts crying, then baby, it's 'most all uphill from there. In theory: 7 sprints, 4 rollers, 6 high mountains with 6 summit finishes, and one mountain time trial. In reality: if you can't climb, you're !@#$ed. And if you *can* climb, honey, by the end of the thing, you'll damn well wish you hadn't. Forza, baby--you guys are gonna need it!

The GC Contenders: Alberto "Last Race of 2011" Contador; 2010 Vuelta champ/Basso substitute Vincenzo Nibali; Denis "Ride for Sastre Dammit!" Menchov; dear little Sastre (shut up!); Euskaltel's almost-2010-Vuelta winner Igor Anton; Scarponi. Funny how *he's* the only Italian not implicated in a doping investigation, right?

The Sprinters: Like, who cares? It's the *Giro*, for !@#$'s sake! Okay, Cav's in there, and so's Petacchi. The rest--I'll post 'em when I got 'em!

The Missing: GC contenders Basso, Cadel, big'n'baby Schleck, Samuel Sanchez (aiming for the Tour, fearing the mountains in the Giro except for Samu of course); fast-men Daniele Bennati (injury) and Tom Boonen (ugh, Tour); stage-hunter Pippo "Suave" Pozzato (inexplicable snit by wankers at Katusha); and, including Cunego and ex-world champ Ballan, pretty much everyone who's ever, ever, ridden for Lampre (Mantova doping inquisition). Dang, the way this is shaping up, you folks oughta start translating all those Italian signs into Spanish, eh? Oh, the humanity!

Stages to Watch: to me, the Giro is all about the mountains, so watch the strong barely survive and the weak give up the GC ghost on the trio of rides up the Dolomites in stages 13-15, including, apparently, a hard-core BMX ride and a relaxing death-drop off the Crostis on which the seemingly litigation-wary race organizers are thoughtfully pitching some safety nets. Boy, does that make *me* feel better--the riders, maybe not so much!

And Last But Not Least: finally, as a thank you to both my faithful readers for realizing how supremely more bitchin' the Giro is than the Tour, we'll be running the annual Racejunkie Win Free Stuff contest every week during the Giro this year--thrills for all, and cool free stuff for the victors!

Woo-Hoo! and, Aw, Rats!

Give 'Em Hell, Euskaltel!: aw, yeah, baby, those ProTour bullies haven't yet poached everyone from Euskaltel like a pack of toothless crazed meth-mouthed drug-desperate thief-addicts, 'cause remaining team bad-!@# Igor Anton snagged the stage from a hungry (and likely podium finisher, I'm starting to be convinced) Nibali. Woo-hoo--time to dress up in Halloween colors buy a cross-Atlantic ticket pound back the vino (the wine, not the rider you pervs) and scream my head off, for there's more to come, baby! What, *still* no money in my Give Racejunkie Yer Hard-Earned Dough Out of Pity Fund? !@#$! I'll just have to do all that stuff at work, then...


Aw, Rats!: y'know, it's lucky I'm naturally fair and unbiased, as well as a good sport, 'cause otherwise I'd be wrongly accusing wholly innocent Denis Menchov of surreptitiously implanting a discreet tiny motor in his !@# which of course must be the only explanation for why Carlos came in a minute 25 back on him Tuesday. That, or quiet Carlos as usual is planning to whomp him senseless in the third week while Menchov plods along in the happy delusion he won't get unexpectedly nut-kneed on the penultimate day. Allez allez Carlos--and take that Cervelo' for dissing 'im!

What Goes Up, Must Come Down (Well, Actually the Reverse I Suppose): meantime, continued well wishes to sensitive speedster Cav's sadly heat-wrenched guts, if for no other reason that he can be confident next time he gets beaten that he really deserves to get beaten, and here's hoping for a fast return to health for fine Brit team Sky, likewise taken out by its own team-wide gackfest, 'cause a race with half the peloton clutching their roiling stomachs and crying into their pillows in agony, honey, ain't no race at all. Aw, guys, didn't anyone ever *tell* you to skip the ceviche when it's 98 degrees out? Here, let me get you some nice flat ginger ale and a little piece of white toast (no butter) instead...I'll turn on "Jersey Shore" on TV for you, too....

Medic!: finally, don't panic everyone--doe-eyed cutie Alberto Contador is okay--he fell on his *knee* during training, not his "pistolero" finger. Whew, thank heavens--a day without that pistolero gesture is like a day without being eaten alive by rabid foaming wolverines! Wait, I don't think I got that last one quite right...

No, No, We're Only Protecting *Two* Doping Pigs!

Tricky Dick Steps Up: yes, UCI's Pat "Dick" McQuaid, having so far used the phenomenally expensive and incredibly underwhelming biological passport to nail Franco Pellizotti and such other prominent riders as...um...and...um..., has in no uncertain terms lashed back at his accusers: UCI's only hypocritically shielding *two* favored doper scumlords by ignoring their bio-passport violations, *not* the five scumlord dopers previously reported. Even better, none other than WADA is proud of their fine performance in assis--that is, eradicating wrongdoing throughout the sport. Well, I'm sure glad these cowardly enabler dirtwad slime-lovers are around to make sure the clean riders never have a chance against just a *coupla* well-stoked, UCI-beloved supertalents--thanks, skanks!

Lay The Hell Off Sastre, Already!: alright, I can't believe I've got to take the great Thor Hushovd to task--but screw you, buddy! Suckage enough that Cervelo's team boss had the total lack of class to announce that our Tour de France champ/new Geox prize wasn't offered even a lousy punk-!@# uncoordinated-neo-pro 10-euro Klodenesque wash-your-team-leader's-shorts contract for next year--*must* Thor of all riders have helpfully told the press that it was because Carlos--not having the best season, I'll concede, but still a force to be reckoned with dammit--really, really, really incredibly blows the last two years? I defended your sorry !@# in the green jersey hunt this year at the Tour this year, Thor--apologize like a man (or woman, maybe that would be better), we'll forget it all happened, don't *make* me say it, boy!

Vacansoleil, For the San Tropez Tan: and, as nimble climber Riccardo Ricco' waxes poetic about the joys of signing with Vacansoleil after his deal with Quick Step fell through (woo-hoo!), his new DS is equally showin' the love, enthusiastically proclaiming that first, they really tried to sign redeemed Op Puerto skeezemeister Michele Scarponi, then that tanked, *then* they wanted Euskaltel god Samu' Sanchez (who of course should have been their first choice, the undeserving goons), then when *that* tanked, he "kept looking and finally came up with Riccò." Damn, it's almost enough to make me feel sorry for the little weasel (cobra, whatever)--nope, that moment's already passed!

He Shoots, He Scores!: meantime, major congrats to Robbie "Head-Butt" McEwen, largely luckless this season, who validates his fabulous decision to ride another year by winning a stage at the Eneco Tour. However, as there's yet no video of him taking the sprint for me to poach, let's completely randomly enjoy our etiquette expert teaching a young fan not to grab !@#$ off his bike without asking:

On the Road Again: finally, it's a warm, warm welcome back to everyone's favorite party boy, the knee-walloped Tom Boonen, back training at last and hoping for one last thwap at Cavendish & Co before the end of the season. Chin up, Tom--we believe in you! 'Til then, we'll just have to content ourselves gratuitously watching Tommeke getting a massage set to a 70's soft-porn soundtrack. Really, does it even matter what they're saying?

Sleaze and Glory Is *Right*, Baby! and, Holy Crap, Carlos!

The Sprinters Are *On*!: first, the glory stuff, 'cause heck knows that's often in short supply in this agonizingly engaging sport: Tyler Farrar is kickin' !@#, Robbie McEwen is coming back for one more year (thanks Bikezilla!) to, if not win quite so often (shut up!), certainly throw a classier temper-tantrum than that brilliantly unbeatable two-bit whiner Cav, and damn near everyone worth watching (except Tommeke--dag nabit, get well soon already!) for the Worlds is lining up for the perfect, underrated, wholly ignored and completely smashing (hopefully not in the 2010 Tour de France, total peloton bodily immolation sense) Vuelta a Espana. And because we love dear little Sastre is riding his third Grand Tour this year, and I deeply regret being so broke- and cheap-!@# for the Tour, the 2010 Vuelta a Espana Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest is on, thereby improving the odds, one hopes, that some grotesque little Lance-apologist gnome won't take the prizes. Vuelta lovers, this one's for you!

Blast From the Past: yes, enduringly beautiful total train wreck Jan Ullrich, having lost his entirely pointless defamation suit over doping allegations that clearly could've been a !@#$load worse than they even were (tho' as his rollin'-in-dough lawyer in this thankless enterprise, I'd certainly be appreciative), has been diagnosed with "burnout" and is taking a break from his admirable charitable-kids'-rides activities, and while we'll never see the boy on a bike with any seriousness again, and of course he's part of the scourge of scumliness that brought the sport to its knees in 2006, yap, and we should all just hock giant lougies in his general direction, yap yap yap, here's hoping that the Janster (1) recovers his energy and (2) never wears embroidered flowered national costumes again. Get well soon Jan--don't let those demons get you down!

Ah, Young Love: meantime, the deal between fickle fianceesRiccardo Ricco and Quick Step, virtually assured a day or two ago, may yet be on the rocks, with his manager remaining hopeful and his much-desired Vuelta now in doubt. What's more, his current shoe sponsor Vittoria, while congratulating him on his advancing career, is already reminding him he's got a two-year contract and threatening to sue. Hell, he couldn't be more of a cheating doped-up embarrassment than Valverde, I suppose! In other scuzzwad-signing news, Stefan Schumacher is back with small squad Miche; Lampre--well, who knows what those dirtbag-lovin' pervs are thinking signing every jacked-up reject on earth, and Patrik "I Accused a Whole Lot of Other Riders of Doping And All I Got Was This Lousy Continental Jersey" Sinkewitz is riding well--though not as well as he used to, for no particular reason I'm sure--in Portugal. Oh, you silly boys, didn't you learn *any* lessons in redemption from comely cash-cow Basso?

Watch Out, Andy!: speaking of whom, as the Schleck brothers get set to run a 100% perfectly clean team with no suspect riders ever whatsoever (and because I do love Frank against all justice and fair play, I'll conveniently forget his payments for "training" to Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno To the Stars" Fuentes, none other than St. Ivan of Varese has taken a crit in Holland over baby Schleck, making one wonder if Basso's really gonna focus on his beloved hometown fans and beloved hometown race in 2011, or if he's gonna make a serious stealth bid for the win once thought inevitable--over and over again, at that--at the Tour next year. Ivan in yellow? Hmmm, still better chance of that than Menchov...

Lessons from Leadville: last but not least, as a dear reader opined how deeply dope-smacking it is as a matter of relative form that an American Euro roadie should smoke a domestic field of incredibly experienced mountain bikers so badly at their own game this weekend, one cannot help but wonder, despite my fondness for Levi, unless the US riders really do completely lamely tank compared to their European compatriots on pure talent, which certainly seems rather an odd possibility when you see these guys actually in the saddle, doesn't this make RadioSkank look, um...yeah, look like they need a re-do on those dull grey-and-red jerseys to jazz 'em up a bit, that's what I meant to say!

What the Hell--Who Saw This Coming?: okay, really finally, cyclingnews has just broke the word that Carlos Sastre has signed for new squad Geox for 2011, whose announced formation I concede I met with a monstrous yawn and raising the crucial question, what the hell is this gonna mean for we love Thor Hushovd, Carlos?! Of course, Sastre, like, say, Jens, could join Igor's House of IV Equipment Egregious Blood Doping and Human Trafficking and I'd give him a pass, but still--*what*? Who else is coming with him? Oh, the suspense...

D Is For Doping, That's Good Enough For Me

Or Just Dopes, Whatever: yes, in yet More Disgusting News That's Never Gonna Affect Lance Armstrong No Matter What, the narcs apparently spent some time last month interrogating official Lance mastermind Johan Bruyneel over that pesky ton or so of unapproved and wholly-unnecessary medical waste found in Astana's 2009 Tour de France garbage, which, if Johan is to be (entirely reasonably) believed, our brilliant yet unusually clueless leader knew absolutely nothing about. Heck, if *I* had millions of euros *and* another Tour de France win *and* my legacy as one of the greatest managers ever *and* Lance's whole entire legacy riding on the cleanliness of *my* riders, *I* wouldn't be interested in what they're doing with enough drugs to stoke the entire Spanish peloton for a year, would you? Of course, it's entirely a moot point anyway, because (1) let's face it, UCI wouldn't bust Lance Armstrong for drugs if he personally sauntered back and forth before the press corps with a giant IV flapping out of his !@# every morning at sign-in time, and (2) Johan'll just say it's Alberto Contador's stash anyway. Damn, and to think a team led by Alexander Vinokourov could actually look cleaner'n last year's model!

I See London, I See France, I See Pat "Dick" McQuaid's Underpants: meanwhile, the smug French narcs continue to out-PR the hapless rider-slurpin' suckups at UCI, today slamming the oft-trumpeted biological passport as essentially useless a mere 24 hours after eliciting hysterical shrieks of "bull!@#$!" for also pointing out that it seems, well, implausible that there were absolutely zero dopers--including among the teams with the doping refuse right out in the open, never mind what they disposed of more discreetly--at the 2009 UCI-controlled Tour, as whenever AFLD does the testing, like they did in 2008, riders drop like Raid-soaked flies. Me, I'm siding with UCI--I mean, *everyone* knows the peloton's been utterly clean since at least post-season 2008!

Prison Song: in legal news--and no, I'm not announcing the formation of a new "Floyd Fairness Fund," tho' I will accept your cash and hell, I haven't even lied to you--looks like the Austrians have cleared elder Tour cheats Bernard Kohl and Michael "Feed Me!" Rasmussen of organized doping charges and, even better, legendary Italian sprint stud Mario "the Chest" Cipollini, lately accused of tax evasion, has been exonerated of that heinous crime as well. Aw, it's almost too bad, don't you think?--SuperMario would have looked so feral in prison stripes!

Killing Me Softly: for those of you who've been wondering what we-still- love-so-go-to-hell/4(yes, *4*)-time Vuelta winner Roberto Heras is doing (shut up!), he's taking on a prestigious race in Mongolia for which, I will have you naysaying jerkface weenies know, he is the favorite. Goddammit, Roberto, I *told* you to pull a Basso and start kissing babies the second your drug poz broke--*see* where ignoring my advice has gotten you?

Back the !@#$ Off Carlos, Already!: finally, as dear little disc-herniated Carlos Sastre (and what a bad-!@# to still come in 8th at the Giro, no?) pleads desperately to be left alone for six seconds to let his back heal, can Cervelo--which already ditched its perfunctory lying "his health is all that matters" crap and named him to its Tour de France short list anyway--please lay off the pressure already? Wah, you need the sponsorship exposure for the Tour, wah--not only would this option let Carlos ride the smashing Vuelta which I am sick of everyone dissing and give Samuel Sanchez a worthy companion on the podium, but Thor Hushovd's already going to take home the green jersey anyway so there's really nothing for you wanks to whine about. Remember this, Cav?

I Hope He's Clean, I Hope He's Clean, I Hope He's Clean; and, Bravo il Grande Simoni!

Please Say It's So, Basso!: First, compliments to Carlos Sastre for gallantly and wholly intentionally allowing Cadel Ivan and Nibali to reclaim their dignity by getting 2:30 on him on the stage to Monte Grappa and Ivan to take Zoncolan and get ahead of him on GC today. Shut up! Second, much as I'm used to being grossly disappointed and deeply disgusted by every scum-snorting drug-sucking dirty-pig cheat-wank I've ever admired in the peloton, and much as I despised in particular St. Ivan of Varese's incredibly smarmy and coldly calculated image rehab from his post-Op Puerto "attempted doping" (and right there that continues to piss me off), I must confess that in today's beautifully agonizing stage I rediscovered, in the Ivan-of-2006's elegant reserve, relentlessly smooth turning of the pedals, and--for the first time--visible effort scratched into his face, and in Cadel's painfully workmanlike drunken-sailor rocking on the bike, the sheer sense of romance and impossibility that drew me into the sport in the first place and made me squiggle precariously under a pride of humungous hulking Germans on Passo Pordoi for a tiny picture of Ivan's head, and found myself absolutely caught between longing and cynicism. Ivan, *please* say you did it clean this time--give us poor bastards who follow cycling *some* hope!


Grazie Gilberto Simoni!: no, he didn't take Zoncolan--by a huge wad of riders ahead--and yes, I'm crushed. But in his dotage he's become a perfect gentleman (okay, sue me, I still hope he rips Basso one more time for old times' sake), and here's our class act and two-time (that's *two*, Cunego!) Giro god on his final trip across the line on the mountain he's already conquered so beautifully twice: Bravo Gibo dei tuoi tifosi americani, sei veramente un mito!

The Loathsome and the Odious: in other news, in the wake of Floyd Landis' oddly sudden crisis of conscience (and, not to be petty, he needn't have given me the Stare of Death last year at Interbike, particularly since I spent half of 2007 *defending* (at least on procedural grounds) his dirty doping !@#), repugnant enablers UCI and WADA have already made it clear what they're willing to do to keep the Armstrong legend going, braying the Lance party line that "he's never tested positive" and "there's no proof." UCI, cut the crap! Since when does that matter to you guys? The entire bio passport, for example, is based on the premise that the rider never tests positive. And you're still going after Giro-barred dreamboat Franco Pellizotti, as well as a half a dozen other minor players, aren't you? So either throw the bio passport out entirely and demand reputable A & B samples before any sanction is issued, or stop punishing riders for !@#$ you can't even show they did. Oh, *I* get it--it's *who* doesn't test positive that counts, now *whether* they test positive. Yep, you've convinced me you really care about eradicating doping by everyone! Credibility much, you dissembling weasels?

Quote o' the Week: finally, in addition to we love Dave Zabriskie's second on GC at the Tour of California today, he gets gigantic points for this masterful quote on learning that Floyd Landis (whose recent accusations about Lance have apparently been corroborated by the One's ex-wife) had slithered briefly into the sidelines at the ToC to apologize to an over-gracious Greg Lemond for his associate's boozy threat to presumptuously out a painful episode in Lemond's life and, one imagines, to take a nice long look at what he lost through his own venality: "He's here, really? Tell him I said hi. How's he doing?" How can you *not* love Dave Z?

Your Philosophical Question o' the Day

Could Fabian Cancellara Win the Tour de France?: No. Next!

Dancing With the Podium Babes: yes, for those of you getting bored of drunken frat-boy vomit-fests, starving desperate corporate-drone dilettantes eating rats in jungles, and skeezy hyper-gelled spray-tan-addicts caressing their own biceps in the mirror, there's a great new reality show in town that's actually relevant to cycling: Be a Giro d'Italia Podium Babe! Dutch arm-candy will be tested on subjects including Italian culture and language, and, let's be honest, pulchritude. No word on when the "Be a Women's-Giro d'Italia Podium Man-Babe!" show is starting, but I'm confident it's soon. Hell, gives Di Luca and all those other unemployed doping-ban male cyclists a way to stay involved in the sport!

Cav Strikes Back: so in the wake of his calling BFF teammate Andre Greipel a "!@#$-race" winning, no-talent loser, and his boss' subsequent mild admonition that he expects teh boys to play nice when they're told to, *and* the inexcusable failure of some female non-cycling journalist to fawn over him, sprint king Mark Cavendish has gone postal yet again over how tough he has it, whining that he was screwed out of (repeat winner Thor Hushovd's, so suck it!) green jersey in one of the "two worst calls" in all sporting history, Brad Wiggins has no right to criticize his egomania 'cause Wiggo's a no-talent loser too, Greipel is *still* a loser, and people are mean, mean, mean to him! Yes, Cav, as a civil rights lawyer I see this *every* *single* *day*--boy, you are *oppressed*! One of the (justly) most celebrated athletes in the world, a huge cash-cow of a contract at an age when most of your contemporaries are living in their parents' basements or grubbing away desperately at some unbearable crap-paying cube job, adulation, fame, the power to go off on anyone at any time virtually without repercussions--and on top of that indignity, SOME PEOPLE DON'T COMPLIMENT YOU EVERY SECOND! Oh, the injustice of it all....

The Why the Hell Isn't This Getting More Press Coverage Freak-Out o' the Week: wah, it's gonna take Bjarne ten more minutes to find a sponsor willing to tolerate their logo being flashed first at every finish line by Fabian Cancellara, wah--what the !@#$ is this about we love Euskaltel-Euskadi having sponsorship troubles? Aiiiggghhhh! Samuel Sanchez, say it ain't so--I can't *stand* to see another great Basque climber defect to RadioSkank!

Breaking News in Italian Cycling: no, not some penny-ante inquest about widespread doping at Lampre that threatens to drag it down the toilet, you fools--the *important* issue, natch, is whether Pozzato's radical-yet-paradoxically-old-school black tricolore kit at last weekend's Paris-Roubaix is sartorially appropriate. Luckily, our dashing Pippo will be relieved to hear, style of course has won out over strict technical propriety, and he remains indeed on both the best-dressed and future race start lists. Whew, glad we got *that* earthshaker resolved!

Golden Boys: last but not least, there is in fact actual racing going on, and as we wish allergy-whacked Alberto Contador a healthy and successfully Vuelta a Castilla y Leon (if only to watch him irk Lance Armstrong), even more bitchin' is that we can see we love dear little Carlos Sastre back in action at the Ardennes Classics this weekend as he preps to take out the two remaining Italian GC contenders not already banned out of contention at the fabulous Giro. Allez allez Carlos--nice to have you back!