Look, this year is a freakin' train wreck, and we haven't even made it past the team presentations before Lotto-Whatever came up with a coupla COVID "non-negatives" already. And the chances this whole show will even it make to Paris before some entirely foreseeable and probably inevitable catastrophe strikes it down halfway through the Alps? Bupkis. But just in case it *does*, they've still planned the (revised, but we'll still take it) whole thing out, so let's act like it can happen because we love Mikel Landa and we want we love Andre Greipel to take one more win on the Champs-Elysees and everyone wants to see more pictures of Thibaut Pinot with his goats all over Twitter if he takes a stage so here's yer Course In Preview!
Week 1: We start off with basically a frantic three-loop crit around Nice before hitting one last biggish climb and descent to a chaotic bunch sprint finale. Can't be any more !@#$ed up than the rest of 2020, so why not? Stage 2: Mountains already, beeyotches! Though why the Cat 1 climbs are tucked in the first half is beyoooond me. Cav's not riding, you don't have to blast him out the time cut on the second day, so what gives people? Next: It's a mostly Cat-3 lumper, which guarantees that everyone on CCC who's looking for a job will be out on the hunt all day, but ends pretty flat so too bad, boys, at least you got 180k in front of the cameras til the sprint squads try to reel you in! Dang, they're working hard to fluster these guys with these dizzying changes! Anyway, Stage 4's another bumpy ride, but with a 7.1k 1800 meter uphill finish to nip the legs and see how much wheel Quintana's gonna have to suck the next 3 weeks, *again*. Stage 5? It'll feel like a Year in Provence til the false-flat finish, tailor-made for the Saganator. Now's the time to pony up, Peter! Stage 6: Just keep Mikel upright, willya Bahrain, til he can show his form a bit on the Cat-1 Col de la Lusette then chill out the rest of the way! To cap off the week: kinda lumpy but then mostly flat, if, according to Prudhomme, the crosswinds don't screw over the sprinters. Always kinda hoping they misjudge the breakaway by about 50 meters on these things for some shocked newcomer to still take it at the line, don't you?
Week 2: Rest da--nope, assuming the whole peloton's not been sent home yet, it's straight on to Stage 8 then! Our first real, true mountain day, with the HC Port de Bales then the fearsome Peyresourde, which *still* isn't gonna win you !@#$ unless you can descend off it to the finish line. Too bad Nibs isn't riding this! And FFS you better have cleared the crap off the road, race organizers! Stage 9: 2 Cat 1s and 2 Cat 3s, then mostly downhill with frequent little spikes-o'-pain to Laruns. Ready for a rest day? I sure am! And assuming we make it back from *that*, Stage 10: flat as a pancake, trip through two islands, and *damn*, that's gonna be a lotta wind. Don't screw this up, Bahrain! Stage 11: another day, another bunch sprint, and for heck's *sake* everyone, willya hold yer lines for once? Stage 12: looks like a nice breakaway to me. Have fun out there, CCC! As we wind down the second week, Stage 13 brings a fine day for the climbers, so if we haven't got a sense of where the podium contenders are yet, we darn well oughta today! On Stage 14, there's terrain to suit and soul-crush just about everyone til the last 5k in Lyons, if the sprinters haven't keeled over by then. Bonne chance, big guys!
Week 3: No rest for the weary just yet: you've got a yuge mountain day to get through, so you better not woof! The Cat 1 Montee' de la Selle de la !@#$ This Hurts, *then* the Cat 1 *dang* this Col's a de la Biche, and, to finish up (or to finish *you*, depending on yer form, the Hors Categories Grand Colombier. "Grand" if you don't get your !@# dropped, I guess! Next up: Rest Day 2! Any odds on what, if any, teams'll be left for Stage 16? Well, if there are, all the fun's early on on the Col de la Porte, so namesake, if you're riding, you'll charm us all by taking it! Stage 17: you pretty much just get to sit there shaking in fear the first 88k, mountain goats, before you grit your teeth for the legendary Col de Madeleine, then some 20% pleasure cruisin' up the Col de la Loze. !@#dammit, why isn't Euskaltel here again? Anyhoo, Stage 18 is another block o' steep-!@# suffering, with the added bonus that if you suck at going downhill, your entire day of agony's been a waste. Aw! Still, we're not done yet, as Stage 19 sorta throws a bone to the sprinters, if any of 'em (1) are left and (2) didn't already go home--totally justifiably, I might add--crying to momma. And yes, though mercifully calm til the end, Stage 20's the Last Chance Cafe for the GC, either for a redeeming stage win, if you've already cracked like a walnut, or an actual shot at shuffling up the podium if you haven't. Who doesn't love the Plateau des Belles Filles? We'll find out, I guess! Finally, it's the reassuring normality of the victory lap around Paris, and my dearest hope for a win for Andre Greipel (shut up! still can too!) on the Champs Elysees. Wait, *what* month is this? So if you made it this far, there's been some sorta miracle--now give yourselves a well-earned, extremely socially-distanced rest, the lot of you!
Who's gonna take what? Frankly, this crazy-!@# year, I got *no* idea, which given my usual prediction success rate, is probably not a bad thing for anyone anyhow. Anyway, (1) fans, stay the !@#$ outta the way, (2) riders, stay safe out there, (3) you-know-what, stay the !@#$ away, and (4) aupa Mikeeeeeeeeeeeel!
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