All right, the noses have been swabbed, the bikes've been x-rayed (or at least waved at impressively with an iPad), and the IVs've bee--bad racejunkie!--so what've we learned so far in the Weirdest !@#$in' Tour de France Ever? In no particular order, this!
1. I don't know if it was the !@#$ weather, the soap-dispenser sponsor, the lack of race days in the legs, or just the general discombulatedness of the peloton as a whole, but that has *gotta* have been the Crappiest First Day of the Tour ever. Key Landa lieutenant Valls out? And Degenstache and Gilbert out? That's one !@#$ty Lotto ticket!
2. FFS, Bahrain, you had ONE job this Tour--keep Landa upright, and OUTTA THE !@#$IN' CROSSWINDS! Okay, that's two jobs. But !@#dammit!
3. Ineos. Frankly, I'm shocked--one good day by Egan Bernal aside, they haven't even had the energy to eat their own young. Trident my !@# !
4. Tony Martin. You're a great rider, but when it comes to unilateral power to stop the peloton, you ain't no Fabian Cancellara. Nice try though!
5. Speaking of which, Miguel Angel Lopez faceplanting into that street sign after Astana just kept on goin' may or may not have been karma, but it was absolutely not our dear Izagirres' fault. The buck stops with you, Vinokourov.
6. Oh Tibo!
7. The Jumbo Murder Hornets. Anyone else getting, well, sorta Discovery flashbacks with those guys? Nope, nope, I'm sure it's just me--but I'm still keeping a spray-can of Raid around in case they get pissed off about it!
8. On a more serious note, look, Saronni, if you think Fabio Aru has "psychological challenges," you don't slag him in the !@#$in' media for it. You'd treat his *physical* injury with the very best the sport has to offer--treat this one with the same dedication and sympathy, !@#hole!
9. About 50 years too late, the Tour de France finally made a great stride towards equality by having equal-opportunity eye candy, rather'n just the traditional podium babes, hit the stage (sans kisses). But that sure didn't stop one retrograde French newspaper from printing a disgustingly misogynistic cartoon involving a popular rider and a noted journalist who unequivocally deserves far, far better. !@#$ you, you pigs!
10. Pogacar, man. Rarely has a Tour de France podium contender had his name so egregiously mispronounced by so many. Betcha Toms Skujins could sympathize with you there, kid!
11. Alaphilippe, man. Panache!
12. Powless, man. So he took a little detour into a tailgate party--he still managed to stay upright, and that kid's still got one hell of a future!
13. What the !@#$ is *wrong* with you fans? I mean, I know you're not all in an American-level pandemic !@#$show at the moment, but MASKS GO OVER YOUR NOSE. I don't even wanna *think* of what you idiots aren't covering with your birth control!
14. Where the !@#$ are the gendarmes? You're there when we need you to humiliate Froome for our entertainment when he's riding back down to his hotel, you can't hightail it up a climb to control these clowns? Well now you're on notice!
15. Congrats to surprise winner and total bad-!@# Lizzie Deignan on a thrilling win at a thrilling La Course. Now where the !@#$ is the FULL, 3-WEEK women's Tour de France?
16. What the--how the !@#$ is Movistar leading the team classification?
17. Last but not least--I love Euskaltel fans. The team's not even there and they're still dressed in orange waving their flags and freakin' out. Aupa Mikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!
Well, by the time both of you have read this, I've probably already missed some new catastrophe. So assuming the Tour even goes forward after this nutwhack of a mistimed circus, rest up, nurse those wounds, and we'll see you out on the roads again on Tuesday!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment