Tour de Where the !@#$ Is My Vuelta Dammit!: Look, this cycling year's been such a colossal !@#show that I couldn't even muster the wherewithal to bitch about Alejandro Valverde the last 5 months. And between COVID positives, truncated seasons, horrific life-threatening crashes, and hailstorm pummeling that made those poor fragile creatures look like the living embodiment of the red polka-dot jersey, I hardly know where to begin now. But I *do* know one thing: the Tour de France starts next week, and it's time for us here at racejunkie to get our !@#$ together and get both our loyal readers up to speed. So what's the deal, before we even get to the course? This!
1. Froome's out. To be fair, the guy *did* allegedly have a terrible career-altering crash last year, except of course it was a highly orchestrated Photoshopped Commie plot carried out in perfect harmony by highly trained secret-agent soigneurs, teammates, physicians, nurses, family members, and hospital-room cleaning staff to justify why he was gonna suck in the middle of a totally unforeseen global pandemic-screwed training season an entire year later. Anyway, Sky's let him go to ICA and told him to !@#$ right off. At least you know you'll get to go next year, Froomey!
2. Geraint Thomas is out. How do we know? Why, he announced right on video he's going to the Giro instead, with all the excitement of an 8 year old being forced under threat of serious grounding by his mama to thank Great-Aunt Edna for the thrill-inducing gift of an 8-pack of discount tighty-whities at Christmastime. Congrats to our early 2020 racejunkie Award winner of the Least Appreciated Tour de France Champ in History, and quit dissing the fabulous Giro, G!
3. Half of Bora's been quarantined for COVID watch after a teammate tested positive, though by this afternoon he's apparently tested negative, so they're hurting, and let's face it, even the mighty Saganator has seemingly had rather a rough time adjusting to his Former Adored Ingenue/Everyone's Still Adored But Perpetually Marked Man status this season. So maybe his inevitable green jersey in Paris is actually in play for you, Cav! Oh, wait...
4. Which brings us to Mikel Landa. Shut up, he can too! And with a freakin' strong team, including Pello Bilbao, Dylan Teuns, Sonny Colbrelli and Wout Poels who all better accept their support roles !@#dammit, he's in very good company. At least Carapaz Valverde and Quintana can't all bushwhack you from within your own squad this year! Now riders, keep him upright, and management, don't psych him out by whining about your own GC contender to the press corps!
5. Arkea, which had Nairo cannily pulling out of the Dauphine early with a tweaked knee that totally coincidentally leaves his rivals with no clue whatsoever as to his current form, has a *bangin'* squad for the mountains. Baby brother, and very fine climber in his own right, Dayer. Warren Barguil. Winner Anacona. If Nairo falters, he's not only got plenty of help to carry him, but the team has serious stage contenders to boot. Shut up, Mikel can too!
6. Yes, on paper it's the team to beat. But with Bernal, Carapaz, and Kwiato all viable top-of-the-podium contenders, Skineos, with any luck, is !@#$ed. If it doesn't decide which arm of the trident's in charge on the road in the first coupla stages, it's gonna eat its own young. Ask Landa how it went with his lieutenant the first second he showed any sign of weakness, Egan!
7. Lotto-Jumbo. *Damn*! Rogla--though he looks sadly unlikely with last-minute injuries. Time-trialist-inexplicably-turned-mountain-goat/former Giro champ Tom Dumoulin, who seems frankly much happier this season. Van Aert, Martin, Gesink, Kuss. *Damn*--and watch out the rest of you!
8. Yap, that annoying Wolfpack crap, yap. But come on--aside from Landa who I hope of course without any malice in my heart whatsoever crushes him, wouldn't you *love* to Alaphilippe win? Hmmm...him, Tibo, Bardet...gosh, there's a lot of French guys to root for this year!
9. CCC is in tatters, with the team having given riders its blessing to search for other gigs and riders either having already bailed to safer ground for next season, or desperately trying to. At least the breakaways oughta be interesting! And soigneurs, the unsung heroes of cycling--if ever you needed to showcase your stellar off-camera rider-caretaking and on-camera musette-passing skills to the two teams who are gonna be left after this miserable season, now's the time. Honestly, good luck to the hardest-works folks in show biz!
10. Yeah, it's a pandemic and the season is truncated. Where the !@#$ is Euskaltel?! On the plus side, between Landa, Pello, the Izagirres, and powerhouse ever-underestimated stealth GT stage winner Mikel Nieve, our wee Carrots are otherwise well-represented. Aupaaaaaaaaaaaa!
11. We love Andre Greipel's going. Yay! You still got one more Champs-Elysees in you, big guy!
12. What the hell do you mean Michael Woods isn't going to the Tour de France?
13. The fans. There was *just* another incident in which an oblivious selfie-taking fanboy nearly damn killed a rider as the peloton passed. Back the !@#$ up! And as long as you're all supposed to be covering up with masks anyway, could the more...free-form among you cameras hoes more completely tuck your flopping works into your neon banana-hammocks as you run alongside the riders this year?
14. La Course. Yeah, it's a pandemic and the season is truncated, so women's cycling is even more !@#$ed than usual. But FFS, can we give the most brilliant peloton in ages the accolades, and full Tour de France, they so obviously deserve?
15. Last but not least: COVID. Everyone's completely justifiably afraid everyone's gonna give it, and/or get it. The carefully-constructed rider bubbles have proven, despite all parties' sincerest best efforts, penetrable. The traveling circus that is the Tour passes through a million different towns with a million different staff, riders, journalists, and both local and traveling fans all cramming into the same limited hotels with the same limited restaurants, whose own staff are also at risk from the onslaught. The fans, inconceivably, are *still* being observed reaching out to the touch the riders as they pass. The rule: two team positives and you're out. Please, please, please, be safe out there everyone, and here's hoping that whoever gets hit, doesn't get hit hard. Does anyone really think the whole show can make it to Paris?
Welp, there's yer random roundup. And yes, as usual, I've paid short shrift to the sprinters. Next, we'll tackle the course. Let's just hope the riders get to do it, too!
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