Sure, we here at racejunkie have generously offered our beloved riders free advice on this before, but each crop o' alleged losers seems to screw it up in exciting new ways all over again every year! So here, Yer Handy-Dandy Top Ten Tips for Dopers (and Wannabees):
1. If you're gonna dope, at least don't dope and *suck*. Have you *no* pride?
2. Valverde, man. Bow and learn, you incompetent nits!
3. Valverde, man. Wouldn't this motor thing just be *easier*?
4. Don't unleash a blood feud on someone who rats you out. Armstrong'd be a lot better off--or at least look like way less of an !@#hole--if he hadn't.
5. Motor in your bike frame: pathetic. *Real* cyclists use drugs. Two wires bad, four syringes good!
6. Y'ever see those inbred toothless morons on reality cop shows who get busted with a pile o' meth in their pants and go, "duuuuuuuh, it belongs to my friend"? Yeah, that's how it looks when *you* do it, too.
7. Shut up, Froome. Almost everybody already thinks you're doping anyway. Your righteous indignation ain't helping.
8. Omerta: bad in principle, great in practice. Ask (we still love) Roberto Heras--he'll give you 724,000 euros worth o' reasons why!
9. For the uninitiated, your pedals are supposed to stop moving at some point once you're off the bike. Flip the switch, !@#$head!
10. Yes, we *know* your team/DS/sponsor/mechanic is a lying sack of crap. But they're still gonna throw you under the bus, and win. Enjoy the next 50 years as an embarrassing footnote in the history books, sucker!
Really, you clowns--we're trying to *help* you here. At some point, we're gonna have to start charging for it!