Friday, February 12, 2016

It's St. David Millar's Top-Secret Anti-Doping-Mentor Class Syllabus!

He was busted for doping. He cried like hell. And now, he's mentoring baby cyclists on their path to clean competition. Yes, cycling fans, we've got it here--a copy of unctuous anti-doping crusader St. David Millar's new class syllabus!


I. Doping Is Really, Really Bad And You Shouldn't Ever Do It
a. It's Bad Because It Makes You Wi--Aw, !@#$!
b. Identifying Friendly Journos and Press Outlets To Leak This Lesson To So You Can Show You Really, Really Wouldn't Dope

II. Intro to (Anti) Doping
a. Cutting-Edge Substances and Techniques You Should Never, Ever Use
b. Evading the Narcs: Tips 'n' Tricks
b. Finding the Right Doctor For You (When Your Regular Team Doc Just Isn't Enough)
c. Geography Lesson: Foreign Medical Clinics Innocuously Located Near Your Team Camp's Training Site
d. "Training Plans" Your Phony Doc Can Give UCI To Prove He Was Just Giving You "Training Advice"

IV. What To Do When You've Been Popped
a. Denial or Omerta'?: A Philosophical Discussion
b. Tearful Confessions: In Police Custody, and Out of It
i. I Feel So Bad (That I've Been Busted)
ii. Thank God You've Caught Me At Last (Instead of That Other !@#$er Who Totally Deserves It Worse)
iii. I Only Did It Once (Because You Confiscated the Rest of My Stash)
c. Method Acting: Crying to Convince
d. Choosing Your Target: Making Sure You Wail in Remorse Anytime You're Near a Camera (and How to Find Them)
e. Who to Call When Your DS and Team Doc Throw You Under the Bus Like a Dirty Snot-Rag

V. Image Rehabilitation
a. Moral Righteousness: Piling On Everyone Else Who Did Exactly What You Did (Without Looking Like a Total !@#hole)
b. Remembering to Suck When Your Ban Is Over Now That You're Supposedly Clean
c. I'm Going to Be an Anti-Doping Ambassador (Because !@#$ If I'm Gonna Be the Only Sap Forced to Play Fair)
d. Selling Your Sob Story: Memoir Tips 'n' Pricing
e. Show Me the Money: Getting a Lucrative Job Despite Your Filthy, Doping Past
f. Show Me More Money: Advanced Lesson in Starting Your Own Clothing Line/Conti Team/Training Biz/Coffee House

Extra Credit Projects and Reading:
I. Bitching About Mechanical Doping: How to Distract UCI From the Real Problem
II. Case Study: Roberto Heras: Challenging the Validity of Your B Sample And Winning Tons of Dough
III. Case Study: Alexander Vinokourov: Benefits of Threatening to Take Everyone Else Down With You
IV. To Be, Or Not to Be (A Repugnant Spineless Scumbag Wuss): Pointing The Finger At Your Grandma, And Other Family Conundrums

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