Friday, February 03, 2012

My (fantasy) Interview With Pat "Dick" McQuaid--Plus, Breaking News!

Racejunkie (extending hand): Hi Mr. McQuaid, nice to meet you. I'm racejunkie.

Pat "Dick" McQuaid: "Junkie?" Are you implying that I looked the other way for years while Lance Armstrong doped like a pig so I could bask in his reflected glory and take credit for the sport's exponential growth? Well, the feds just announced he's off the hook, so you're gonna hear from my lawyers, you bitch!

RJ:'s just my name. Here, I feel like we've gotten off on the wrong foot a bit. Would you like some coffee before we get started?

PDM: Why shouldn't I? It's legal! It's always *been* legal! There's nothing in the rules against caffeine!

RJ: Relax, dude, you're not even a cyclist. Why don't we begin. In light of today's complete exoneration of Lance by the narcs, and the universal blasting--some might say blacklisting--of Floyd Landis and Tyler Hamilton for speaking out about systemic doping on his Postal squad, what do you say to those who allege such occurrences only serve to enforce the omerta the sport purports to despise?

PDM: Two words, Racejunkie: David Millar. That guy could cry like a chick, *and* he didn't snitch.

RJ: What are your thoughts on the upcoming Contador verdict?

PDM: I'm fully confident we'll look like total !@#holes no matter what they decide.

RJ: Oh. Let's talk about the 2007 Tour de France. Now, assuming time moves forward in a linear fashion, at least in our puny human experience, it's obvious you knew Michael Rasmussen missed UCI pre-Tour doping controls before the Tour began. Yet you still let him ride for two-and-a-half weeks before yanking him out of the race on the very eve of overall victory. Can you comment?

PDM: Heh, heh, I always did hate that scrawny little motherf--um, it was an unfortunate miscommunication by an inexperienced administrative employee who has since been fired. Besides, *you* want those goons at Rabobank bangin' down *your* door at 3 in the morning?

RJ: There's been a lot of controversy in recent years over how terribly difficult the Grand Tours have become, particularly in the mountains, in an ever-escalating effort to thrill the fans. Do you think there's any chance that such grueling courses are virtually encouraging the riders to dope?

PDM: Nonsense. I personally have met with many fans who find it very exciting to watch riders like Evans, the Schlecks, and Sanchez manually push their bikes up 5 consecutive hors categorie climbs at 2 kilometers per hour.

RJ: The women's peloton has recently begun to criticize the sport for its lack of fair wages, and UCI specifically for its failure to support women's cycling. What is your response?

PDM: I told that idiot Verbruggen that once we let the female riders quit cleaning the men's hotel rooms that those ladies would start to get uppity. I mean, Bronzini? Get in the kitchen and make me some pie!

RJ: There seems to be a rash of recent doping cases among amateur riders, while the established pro ranks have seen a crash in the number of positives. Why do you think that is?

PDM: Wait'll they start making enough money to buy the good sh--er, we seem to be between effective testing methods at the mom--that is, I think the peloton has really turned a corner in its integrity, mindset, and overall level of sportsmanship. Damn, I *hate* it when the teleprompter goes on the fritz!

RJ: Any last words you'd like to add for the benefit of our audience today?

PDM: Oh, I can "add" all right. Especially unmarked 50 and 100 euro notes. Or how many pieces of lab equipment you've donated. Or, y'know, the carpet in my office could use replacement...

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