Wednesday, October 13, 2010

We've Got a Plan B, Baby!

Unfortunately, It's Gonna Be Ugly: yes, Saxo-Whatsit boss Bjarne Riis has assured his local newspaper that he's got a "Plan B" in effect in case that little Contador thing blows up on 'im, and, while he won't yet divulge the details, it involves, one imagines, slumping on his living-room couch sobbing amidst a pile of 50-odd empty beer cans and begging the Schlecks to take him on as a bottle-filler on their new squad next year. Sounds like a plan, Bjarne--I'd have a "Plan C" though in case the bottle gig falls through for ya!

Gone In Sixty Seconds: meantime, I see Contatwerp's been whining to El Mundo that he's so disappointed in the whole process that no matter how his case comes out he may well quit cycling entirely, which, apparently, is Spanish for "I can't believe no-one's buying my 'asthmatic cow' defense" and "like the other clowns on that podium were clean, they just weren't stupid enough to transfuse their doped-up blood from the Tour de Suisse." Wah, wah, Alberto--even if you *are* busted unjustly, you're still a Munchkin gazillionaire set for life, go cry over your pina colada on the beach-side lounge-chair of whatever private tropical island you're gonna buy to retire to--and if you *do* get itchy to get back in the saddle, just spruce up a coupla orphanages full o' hungry waifs, bat those pretty eyelashes with the tears wellin' up for the cameras, and you've got yourself a multi-million-euro contract with Liquigas!

I gotta say, though, I really *am* sorry about Contador--not sorry if he did it (though it's terrible his career is wrecked if he didn't), but sorry that (1) anyone who pissed off Lance Armstrong so much should go down and (2) we all can't watch a beautiful performance without smirking that the rider's got a permanent IV port surgically implanted in his butt. Oh, those innocent, halcyon days when the cheats just scarfed plain ol' amphetamines like Pez at the start line...

Your Quote o' the Day (from retired Italian sprinter Pierino Gavazzi): "Today if you don't dope it's like going into battle with a bow and arrow against a bazooka." Geez, I sure hope not--I'd honestly like to think there's *some* potential for the cleansters to win, wouldn't you?

It's the Giro di Lombardia, Tifosi! finally, in actual cycling news--and isn't it nice to have some?--there's one more major road race to go this year at the beautiful Classica delle Foglie Morte, and before we devolve into our usual end-of-season contract hijinks, smack-talkin' rider skirmishes, and doping pozes, let's take a preview of the brutally nasty end of the routeand a moment to mourn (1) Cervelo Test Team's last race (woo-hoo Thor!) and (2) the post-race retirement of tireless domestique/pretty damn good racer for himself too Chechu Rubiera. Now onto the Ghisallo--Gilbert, forget Paris-Tours, this baby is *yours* again!

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