I Call "Bull!" Alberto!

At least, Bessie's Owner Does: yep, more bad news for Alberto Contador: an outraged Spanish Minister of Agriculture is calling "moo!" on Contador's defense that he bought clenbuterol-tainted steak from his home country on the grounds that it is (1) strictly banned there and (2) even more stringently tested for. Neat, just like Spain treats its cycling dopers! Anyhoo, you sure you want to cast aspersions on an animal that can do this to you, Alberto? Even worse, Astana's own chef claimed in an interview last July that Alberto ate steak from, not Spain as pleaded, but Pau. Oh, so now you're gonna insult *French* cuisine? Forget whether you're even *innocent* of the charges--good luck getting another Tour invite in this lifetime, Contador!

Buck Up, Tommeke!: 2005 World Champion. Three--three!--time winner of Paris- Roubaix. He's worn the yellow jersey at the Tour de France, and the green on the final podium outright. And despite all that, our boy seems to be experiencing a serious crisis of confidence. Sure, he's had a few, well, brushes with infamy, but any boisterous, big-hearted youngster with a smokin' $400,000 auto and a sudden onslaught of fame, fortune, and hangers-on is gonna do *that*. And sure, maybe he's committed a few more soft-core images to film and the internet for all eternity than he'd want his mama to see. But before his 2010 season was wrecked beginning with his idiot crash in the Amgen EPO Tour of California and his thenceforth-recalcitrant knee, he had already begun redeeming himself from his wayward youth (as we had all instructed him to do) with admirable earnestness. You can still do it, Tom--certainly now that the coke haze has long faded, you remember all this? Come to think of it, maybe we *don't* want him listening to anything with club music in it...

He's Baaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaack (Again): and, just when you thought losing his grip on guaranteed-Tour-winner Alberto Contador might mellow our erratic Kazakh missile, slobbering peloton Cujo Alexander Vinokourovhas announced his own intention to win the race next year, and, better, has also proclaimed that new Astana rider/star-o'-the-future Roman Kreuziger is gonna get to be his point man. Well, don't feel bad, Roman--at least he's not promising to domestique for you *then* pointlessly attacking your !@# on a climb!

And the Oscar Goes To...: retirement, as we bid official farewell to 2006 Tour de France winner Oscar Pereiro, calling it quits after a race and general partying in his honor which, apparently, old Phonak pal Floyd Landis did not attend. Since he was shorted out on the joys of the final podium in Paris, let's at least remember him (if not only for his incredible leg-and-career-snapping fall off a switchback in 2008) in the maillot jaune and trophy awarded later at the Spanish Sports Ministry: Who knows, maybe they'll have to do this again next year! Of course, I suppose that'd be the *Luxembourg* Sports Ministry...oh, who can even keep track anymore!