To Have and Have Not

Bonjour, Scum: so some master thieves have stricken, of all people, poor we love Dave Zabriskie, and what did they take? Damn near everything, it seems, as our boy Twitters a plea for their return, including a couple cars, his Olympic ring and time trial bike, all his fine team steeds, and, perhaps worst of all, his collection of giant Marvel comic book character statuettes. You want to steal from some arrogant wank like Lance or some bitter nasty crankypants like Robbie McEwen? Fine, still deeply uncool, but arguably less objectionable in the broader karmic scheme of things. But Dave Zabriskie? What's next, you pervs, stealing Milkbones from puppy dogs and carrot sticks from bunny rabbits? Okay, you purloined a bunch of priceless Olympic and other carbon-fiber memories off an incredibly dedicated, hardworking athlete--pity party for you, dirtbag, aside from the total abomination of ripping off a bike freak's perfectly-calibrated rides, you're just a pathetic wannabe who'll still never come close to touching the glory that actually earned 'em. But taking the boy's action figures? That's just cold. Show some dignity, you soulless carrion-sucking hyenas, and give Dave Z his stuff back!

Aw, Mom, Do I *Have* To?: Having heroically managed to avoid for a good 3 years holding any Spanish cyclist of consequence responsible for any dangerous liaisons with Dr. Eufemiano "Gyno to the Male Stars" Fuentes, the Spanish cycling authorities have apparently been dragged kicking and screaming into the whole sordid mess at last, sullenly conceding they oughta ask for some of that pesky Operacion Puerto stuff on the extremely unlikely chance, of course, any of their kids have done anything remotely wrong. Y'know, not to question the wisdom of wanting to look all Dirty Harry for coming down on a few unemployed no-names from the long-dead Comunidad Valenciana or nuthin', instead of continuing to allow the Italians to paint you as a pack of sell-out cowardly doper-apologists, but are you guys *sure* you're not going to accidentally take out anyone from, say, Manolo Saiz' old stable you might prefer stay in the peloton? Just checkin'!

Road to the Giro, and Tour: meantime, while Basso's knee luckily recovers nicely from his little handlebar thwap in California, and as Alberto Contador pounds the competition in the Volta ao Algarve and sweetly continues to delude himself he'll be granted unquestioned team leadership in July, Lance has announced he's looking forward to hitting "the podium" at the Giro, making one wonder, is he just psyching out Basso, Di Luca, Cunego and co. by appearing uncertain of his impending form, or did he just confirm that the Giro can screw and he's dead-set on owning the maillot jaune on the last day of the Tour? Don't stop believing, though, Alberto--he still might let you wear it a day or two in the mountains, or even give you one with his autograph!