Let the Games Begin!

Piti Party: as the Italian Olympic Committee, CONI, finally loses it pondering Alejandro Valverde's filthy e'er-doping carcass defiling snow-pure Italian roads while a good half its own boys'n'girls are either out on, or trickling back in from, cheating bans, the ever-accommodating tho' "indignant" dog-defaming "Piti" himself reiterates once again he's delighted to appear before, and cooperate, any authority that asks him--so long as, natch, that authority is "legitimate." Anyone want to bet money CONI counts? Me neither! As for the gazzetta dello sport tifosi? Hell, not only are they still completely enraged they were deprived of their beloved St. Ivan of Varese for two seasons when he didn't even get to dope in the first place (hack! ack!), they're so pissed they're even feeling sentimental about long-ignored little-fish Michele Scarponi--so to finally see a, no *the*, Spaniard fall, especially at the Italians' own tribunal, is a drop-to-your-knees-and-sing-hosannas smug delight. Don't worry, Alejandro, I'm sure you'll get a fair hearing--heck, you've scammed your way out of it this long, right?

Go Ask Armstrong/I Think He'll Know: so while Lance swears his only goal in California is to get Levi Leipheimer the win (!@#damn right, buddy) before viciously screwing Contador (and Klodi! oh, Klodi...) in July, comes the sad but surely inconsequential word that, due to "administration" and "cost" concerns, he's bagging the wholly transparent Don Catlin anti-doping program he vowed like a vestal virgin he'd pursue and publish in favor of Astana's own, and reportedly more, well, laid-back, Dr. Damsgaard. Sure, there's been a bit of skepticism raised here'n about,but nothin' to see here, you cold, nasty cynics--after all, none of Johan's boys ever test poz til after they fly his cozy nest!

Joker's Wild: meantime, the 2009 UCI wild cards are out, and here's who's still reeling from being colossally jacked out of the ProTour events: Petacchi and DiLuca from LPR, and Giro champ Stefano Garzelli over at Acqua e Sapone. Why? Well, UCI sez it's a combination of
sporting history, admin transparency, and willingness to comply with the UCI's so-far-useless biological passport, so what's the prob with these squads? Given their collective palmares even with their teams' crap budgets, I'm guessing it ain't the "sporting history," so be honest, UCI, what are you afraid of: another little OD on the asthma meds you've given a pass for to 3/4 of the wheezing peloton? DiLuca's Malibu Barbie-level testosterone results? Garzelli's, um, nothin', he just wants to freakin' race? Spit it out and tell me why Leukemanns over at Vacansoleil deserves any better, you hypocrites! Oh, boys, you shoulda just stuck with the blow and amphetamines, you'd be free and easy right now...

Goin' to the Dogs: finally, as Red Sox fans the world over celebrate evil bastid/Madonna-slurper A-Rod's admission of drug use during his MVP season, even worse news has emerged: the Sussex Spaniel who won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club this week has been stripped of his title and banned from competition for two years after a positive steroid test revealed the chunky dog is actually a pumped-up teacup Yorkie named Twinkie. Twinkie, through his attorney Maurice Suh, has denied the allegations, contending (1) he's just been hitting the gym a lot lately and (2) if he did test poz, it's clearly due to his kibble being spiked with drugs by some bitch from the Sporting Group trying to bring him down. Damn, first it's Olympic ponies, now it's man's (and woman's) best friend--can't *anyone* lay off the juice these days?