Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Fantasy Rider Press Conference

Good morning. I'm here before you today because I'm afraid my team boss is gonna fire me if I don't perform well in my next race/I cost the organization sponsorship dough/he's in a pissy mood over his fight with his wife last night. I'm dressed this nicely because we all saw how Landis got slagged for that backwards baseball cap/the sponsor doesn't want me publicly wearing its team kit/I'm desperately hoping to keep my million-euro endorsement gig with the company that makes this suit.

I'm very sorry that I got caught openly snorting coke at a club/blood-doping with an IV in my arm poolside after the race/inhaling huge quantities of asthma meds even though my only "medical condition" is gout. It honestly didn't occur to me that just because you don't have Iban Mayo/Jan Ullrich/Floyd Landis to smack around anymore, you really meant any of that "zero tolerance" crap with regard to the rest of us, particularly since you let Michael Rasmussen wear the maillot jaune for a week last year knowing he'd skipped doping controls/are still letting freakin' Valverde ride/can't possibly believe any of that ridiculous crocodile-tear snake-oil bull!@#$ David Millar and Ivan Basso are selling. Anyhow, I'd like to apologize to my directeur sportif for getting us yanked out of the Tour/grandma for hiding my stash in her glove compartment/superdomestique for screwing him over yet *again.* Lucky for some of you, I'm not gonna name my dealer/expose my team's systemic doping practices/out any of my filthy teammates, because I still want a reliable source for blow/know what happened to Sinkewitz and Jaksche when they tried it/don't want to be wheel-whacked off a precipice by a vengeful peloton next time I take a start line.

I now plan to take a short break from cycling to change my racing license to Monaco/try to work out a cakewalk deal with UCI/find a better doctor. Finally, in the interests of signing a lucrative deal with Liquigas/the latest Discovery incarnation/any hard-up Continental squad that'll please, please take me, I hereby promise to go to rehab even though I'm not an addict, I just enjoy using drugs recreationally/become an impassioned crusader against everyone but me using performance-enhancing substances/be a lot more discreet next time. I will now take preapproved questions/commence bawling/sue any bastard who dares write the truth about me. Thank you.

Now, *that's* a rider I'd (1) respect and (2) forgive. Pony up, you drug-stoked wussbags!


randie said...

oh my, i just fell off my chair laughing. thanks rj! great post. i'm going to pin this up somewhere ane refer to it when i need a laugh.

daniel m (a/k/a Rant) said...

Classic, RJ. Absolute classic.

grimid said...

...can't possibly believe any of that ridiculous crocodile-tear snake-oil bull!@#$ David Millar and Ivan Basso are selling.

Ouch, you made me snark hot coffee!

Would that be an "Inverted Boonen?"

Thanks, rj!

Shameless St Millar Defender said...

Dude, Basso snake oil crap yes, Millar is true repentance. I've met my boy and I believe him.
If we throw out all those with a whiff of doping, we really would have no-one left. Knock Basso, Ulle, Landis, Virenque (my personal hate) who you like. But give those like Millar and Riis who are making efforts above and beyond their paycheck to reform the sport. Sure they have a responsibility, but they're taking it. So many aren't.
Great post btw, keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Did "Shameless St Millar Defender" just call you "Dude"? It's nice to see those "true repentance" tears work on some people!

Focal said...

That was excellent. I think next time I need to hold a press conference I just might use that.