Wednesday, June 04, 2008

All the News That's Unfit to Print

Wheels on Fire: think that just because whiny also-ran Riccardo Ricco' finally manned up and congratulated Contador on winning the Giro that Ricco's gonna let that damned Spaniard keep 4 seconds on him on the next Grand Tour they both get to race? Well think again pals, because as this classified photo leaked from the Saunier Duval mechanics' workshop shows, Ricco's got a whole new strategy. That's right, if that saccharine little press slut gets within 30 meters of Riccardo on, say, the Alpe d'Huez, Ricco's gonna flick a hidden flamethrower switch on his carbon fiber steed/advanced armament carrier and freakin' immolate him:

Now *that's* tactical riding, baby--and don't say you weren't warned, Alberto!

Quote o' the Day That I Could Live Without: legendary genius Bernard Hinault in the Velonews Tour de France issue re: we love Iban Mayo: "...Mayo, despite the talent he's demonstrated, does a lot better watching the Tour on TV in the comfort of his own home." Gnurk! Okay Bernard, leaving aside the fact that that may actually not be entirely incorrect, and the more salient point that he doesn't have a team to ride it anyway, we've seen how badly the boy reacts to positive reinforcement like "you can win the Tour someday"--*must* we hurt our fragile flower even more with negative assessments? If he functions best--and when he does, it's so very well--in a happy little bubble of no feedback from anyone anytime anywhere ever, I say, let our little Iban (if indeed he ever finds a team again) float free!

And Now, the Classified Ads: well, folks, with unemployment rampant in the pro peloton thanks to the specters of positive-tests past, ongoing (valid or crap) suspensions, and current suspicious irregularities, it occurs to me that there's a lot of very fine riders out there who could use some help getting a new gig, and in the spirit of helping one's fellow alleged doper, I mean man, and in the even unlikelier event that the team managers or their lackeys would even be interested much less aware, I humbly post this forum's first "Positions Wanted" ads (contact info upon request):

--Late-career Italian sprinter, up-to-date on latest medical advances in oxygen-delivering technology, # of professional victories somewhat uncertain due to confusing CAS ruling, seeks lead-out train. Therapeutic Use Exemption for buckets o' asthma meds. Still fit enough to kick Cavendish's @#% in a sprint.

--All-rounder seeks squad. Robust, loooooves the ladies, CAS ruling blames poz on doofus team doc. Won't rat out other riders, because we all know what happens when riders do *that*, but support staff fair game.

--Superlative Basque climber, former Next Lance Armstrong, available maybe someday. Seeks nurturing environment where I won't be excessively lauded if I win and will be protected from press criticism when I lose. Multiple Grand Tour stage victories. Prefer very, very gentle Spanish-speaking squad.

--Tour de France winner goddammit, still gamely training on mountain bike, won't cop to crime I didn't commit. Vindication and honorary B.S. in Crap Monkey Labwork Studies anticipated late June 2009. Much stronger than last lame squad would suggest.

--Domestique seeks captain. Dad promises to stay home next Giro.

--Attempted doper, successful Teen Beat pinup career, recently obtained angel's wings, likely early parole to attend 2008 Worlds in Varese, seeks...Ha Ha! Liquigas signed me already! Suckerrrrrssssssss...

--Recent Giro attendee, unusual blood values, seeks team that won't buy into the misleading farce that is the Biological Passport. Will work for food and free massage.

--Kazakh superdomestique, cleared by national cycling fed on idiot UCI screwup. Proven Grand Tour stalwart, super-loyal. Not afraid of needles.

That concludes the "jobs wanted" section for today. Best of luck to all and sundry!

1 comment:

Ali said...

Counting up your "lonely hearts", I reckon they could shun potential suitors and just about string themselves into a team.

Perhaps you could set them all up with each other and see what happens when you swing in LA as potential sugar daddy/manager (now we're cooking with gas). This could be the making of a new dream team called ... The Men They Couldn't Hang (marketing logos abound).

My 10% commission can be paid directly to the PAM charity (Pay Ali's Mortgage).