My Mama Told Me/You Better Shop Around

Until We Find A Lab That'll Gack Up a Crap B Sample on Iban Mayo: yes, the sore-loser witch-hunting skanks over at UCI have confirmed that Iban Mayo's negative B-sample--pimped desperately to neutral labs from Belgium to Australia in a months-long yet fruitless search for confirmation of the A--wasn't really "negative," just "inconclusive," and as a result, they're gonna return the sample for yet more last-gasp-hope testing to its trustworthy source: the same shockingly incompetent lab chimps that botched Floyd Landis' sample, let alone Iban's, beyond all human recognition. More, if they can't find actual scientific backup for their slobbering pursuit of Iban, they're going to go to the Court of Arbitration for Sport on the theory that they could at least end up with a nice baseless unappealable conviction from the highest source there is. Anyhoo, UCI's reasoning for seeking out at least the Belgian lab in the first place for the B-sample analysis? The poor tired things over at the skilled reliable French lab were on "holiday,"--hopefully, let's face it, for some sorely-needed remedial training, and not for mere R&R--and UCI didn't want to trouble them for additional work on the minor matter of wrecking yet another rider's career on dubious evidence. Now, I know our fine compatriots in Europe enjoy far more generous and sensible vacation policies than us drone saps here in the US--but these clowns honestly hit the beach for *3 fu#@ing months*? During the August races and late-season Italian classics? During the freakin' Vuelta a Espana, after all the problems it's had? During the *Worlds*?! I call bull!@#!, UCI! Admit it. You woofed. You're sure he's guilty too, and you're embarrassed at your colossal hypocritical series of recent problems like doctors blowing off important doping controls, so you're gonna make at least this boy pay whether he deserves it or not. I'm so glad we have these noble crusaders on our side of clean sport and justice, fans, aren't you? Our gentle hero, meantime, has finally come out of his funk, joyously proclaiming his innocence on his website and, more importantly, announcing his immediate intent to sue the !@# off UCI should they keep pushing his B-sample to labs like heroin to addicts. Take 'em down Iban!

Don't Do It Levi and Andreas! (Last Chance Lament): and, I see baby Contador has officially told his manager to blow and inked his gig with Astana, proclaiming the Tour as his and the team's total focus and his pleasure that Bruyneel's promised him anything and anyone he needs to make it happen. That means you Kloden and Leipheimer--get out, get out while you still can, you don't deserve to domestique the Tour and hose the rest of your own season in Johan's fanatically one-note prep process!